Tonight at youth, we all chose a stone that we felt represented us.

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My stone from a distance looked like it is smooth. At a closer look, you’re able to see the small indented imperfections that don’t take away from the big picture, but are still a part of the current reality.  These are the things in my past that have made me who I am, the things that have left scars within me — inside and out.  These are the stories, good and bad, who make me who I am.  Running my fingers over the rock, I felt the small imperfections on what is mostly a smooth rock — though mostly unnoticeable, it is possible to feel my physical scars, and it is possible to notice them if you take a close enough look — a physical reminder of what I have been through.

The stone is dark.  A darkness, a reminder of the stories behind me, still follow behind me — a shadow. These stories are a big part of WHY I am who I am today, and as much as I hate some of the things I have done, some of the places I have been inside, they are why I am here as I am right now. And I cannot change that, and I cannot forget that.  There is not beauty in light until there is that time of fear, aloneness and solidarity in the dark.

On the right side, there is a patch of lighter brown. This represents the light shining through the darkness.  This light changes dependent on the situation — sometimes, this light is the physical sunshine. Sometimes it is simply what is coming out of me from my own perspective.  Most importantly, this light spot is Jesus . . . changing the darkness into light.  This light spot is the question being created . . . why? . . . This light spot is proof that joy has come, that joy WILL come, and that I am HERE . . . and I cannot let this light get away.  The light spot is the here and now.  The light spot is why I do everything I do.  The light is HOPE.

The dark is the story behind me, the story the sun has set on.  The light spot is why I am who I am . . . and the story that is still to come.

Happy birthday, Lord Jesus.  Today, I celebrate the birth of my King and my Saviour, I celebrate His continued life and healing.  I celebrate HOPE in a broken world, and I celebrate LOVE.

And no matter what your faith is, and no matter whether you celebrate Christmas or not, I hope you join in celebrating hope and love, and that celebration is refreshed–today and every day.

There is JOY in the air.

 

i’m so glad to be here, this day has become sacred . . . i’m trembling with thankfulness . . .

who am i, who am i that You have brought me this far, this far?  who am i that You have brought me so far?

all those years of spoiled complaining . . . i said “it’s not enough”. and You have forgiven me for everything, everything. and You have given me everything, everything . . . it’s too much, it’s too much, You’re too much, You’re too much

who am i?


Thankfulness . . .

  • My SAVIOUR.  And how FAR Jesus has brought me.
  • My friends . . . near and far.
  • My family
  • The kids and my coworkers at my amazing job.
  • My respite girlies who teach me so much and make me see things differently–BETTER.
  • Cupcakes
  • My badassmatic asthma community
  • Canadian healthcare
  • Music and musicians who share their stories
  • LOVE.
  • That WE are the STORY being WRITTEN

What are you thankful for?

Always, always when I think of this, on this day, a wave of disbelief and dizziness in reliving those moments of desperation passes over me.  The day comes and goes, year after year, where I was so close to losing it all, and then in an instant, got it all back.  And I still don’t know what to say about it, what to do about it.  In a moment where everything was crumbling in front of my eyes, the darkness that surrounded everything around me and everything in me became light.

Six years later, I am still without words for the redemptive love of my amazing Saviour who saved my life.  Protected me from myself and saved my life when I was so, so close to throwing everything away.  Throwing my life away.

I have no other words.  I am still alive.

And thank You will never be enough. But those two words, HOPE for tomorrow, and a heart of love for my God is all I have.  Hope that only begun in me six years ago today, and love that I try to let shine through in my life.

I don’t deserve this.  I don’t deserve to be transformed, to be changed.  I don’t deserve the amazing people around me, my amazing jobs, the amazing kids I work with, my amazing church.  I don’t deserve all of the things I’ve been blessed with.  I don’t deserve the love of my God after all the times I pushed Him away and smacked Him in the face.

Yet He loves me despite it all.  He loves me enough that He opened my heart that September day in 2005 by telling me that I didn’t have to end my story then and there.  That He alone could get me through everything I was facing–lighten my darkness, take the depression, and heal my grandma of the cancer that invaded her for a few more years.

I’m living a life that six years ago I’d have never dreamed.  I’ve had amazing ups, and I’ve had huge downs.  I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve danced, I’ve cried.  I’ve reached my arms to the sky in worship and fallen to my knees in desperation.

I’ve created new chapters of the same story that God is writing.

I am ALIVE.

I’ve written down my thoughts in some form or another since the time I could form sentences.  It’s as much in my veins as my red-and-white Canadian blood cells are.  So whether you’re new to following my journey, or have been for a long time, welcome!

My name is Kerri, and I’m a twenty-year-old university student about to enter my third year.  I began in my first year of school as an Education student, thinking I would graduate with a double major in International Development Studies and Developmental Studies, as well as my Bachelor of Education — though, I never wanted to be a typical classroom teacher.  Within my first International Development class, I was lost, and by my third I had called it quits and spent the rest of the class playing around on Facebook until the prof let us free and I went and dropped the course.  From there I focused on Developmental Studies and my first-year Education class.  By the end of the year, I received my student teaching packet in the mail, flipped gears, and dropped out of the Education program, much to the delight of many narrow-minded Education students who thought the only thing an Education degree could do was spend the rest of your life in a classroom.

Once that was done with, I attempted to focus on my Developmental Studies degree.  My developmental psychology prof was a guy who took a minute to breathe between each two words and we never accomplished anything.  I failed my first test [okay, so I didn’t do the readings] and dropped out of the class.  Oh yeah, I was also frustrated with his lack of addressing people with disabilities as people first, wrote him a lengthy but polite e-mail about it and then caught him correcting himself the next class!  At least i accomplished something there, right?

This left me with a plate containing two kinesiology classes and a sociology class.  By the end of my third year after unsuccessfully attempting to make a schedule to accommodate both a Developmental Studies and kinesiology major, I fully dropped the Developmental Studies program for now and am currently aiming for a Bachelor of Arts in Kinesiology and Applied Health.  I hope to enter the field of Occupational Therapy after I’m done undergrad, but of course, nothing is set in stone!

Aside from school, I work at a daycare as an early childhood educator assistant.  Yes, I get paid to play games and colour and have snack and stick the occasional band-aid on a kid.  It’s a sweet job.  I also work as a respite care facilitator for two amazing adolescent girls with varying developmental, social and behavioural disabilities.  I love them a ton, and they teach me so much!

In 2008, I was diagnosed with asthma.  While it’s had more of an effect on my life than I would have liked, it certainly hasn’t stopped me, but rather pushed me harder.  I’ve met tons of amazing people with asthma online, and this blog will also be a place for me to help share my experiences, in both living with asthma and in advocacy, with others.  It may be ironic, but because of my asthma I also became a lot more physically active, which perhaps is one of the reasons I’m a kinesiology student — it’s certainly not because I’m athletically skilled or talented!  I’ll be writing about the insanity that can be fitness in a place that can span from -40*C to 40*C on the positive side in a given year, about doing that with asthma, and about trying not to hate it too much. Come on, it’s much easier to sit in front of my MacBook and eat Cheetos.

Oh yeah, I think Jesus is a badass.  He’s the most powerful and influential badass ever, but He’s still a badass.  Come on, what’s not badass about loving people enough to help them to completely change the way they perceive and interact with the world?  He’s the reason I’m here writing this and the reason for what’s led me to where I’m at right now in everything I’ve written above.

So, here’s to the journey.  To friends, to travel, to learning, to experiencing, to laughing, to crying, to breathing . . . to living!