faded reflection: last week, from now.

I spent last week at the cabin.

I spent some time on the water in the kayak, some time reading [new books: Evolution, Me & Other Freaks of Nature, On My Own (Diary of a Teenage Girl), The First Part Last (Heaven #2) (unsure of what Heaven #1 is); reread Falling Up (Diary of a Teenage Girl) although i remembered none of it), and continued on Islands and Insulin.

Something also sparked in me to pick up the Bible again. What a concept for me. Picking up the Bible, in this case, was putting the Bible Gateway app back on my phone. And here’s the thing, I was actually excited about it.

I journaled. Not a ridiculous amount, but I got my head back out of me or back in check in the way that only writing seems to do for me—really, the best therapy. I considered stuff I need to work on, and “iterations of myself I need to get back to”. Like the whole exercising/nutrition/journaling/mediating/praying thing.

I saw a sunrise—it moved me to stumble back to my bed on the way back from the bathroom at 5 AM for my phone to take a picture—to not miss the moment and not think it was just a dream in the morning.

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I created. This was, actually, before the sunrise sighting.

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I played mindless games (actually, Cooking Fever is kind of stressful, my goodness), and looked for Pokemon.

I tried to be present, mindful, as much as my lack of routine and ADHD allows.

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I did some work when I felt like it. It’s part of my life, no matter how much on “holidays” people kept saying we were on. I chose to not be on vacation for the times I spent working. It’s easy when you like what you do for work and can work anywhere.

It was really, though, about coming back to where I need to be; about reflecting on self-care and seeing what I want more of in my life. And, I found a lot of good stuff in the process—stuff I need to work on. Like talking to God and seeing Him in my world—opening my eyes and allowing Him to open my eyes.

Edit: After I published this, I found this live set from Lacey Sturm on YouTube, at one point she says, “God is always pursuing you, but do we always pursue Him?” 
I think my answer is obvious; but that the question is perfect.

i feel Your eyes crawling over me
as though i am something more than me
but i don’t have anything good enough to say
i did not make myself this way

i’ll show you what He did
but i won’t take the credit
it’s not mine anyway
i just held the pen that day

and i don’t deserve this
this time right now
it’s not something for which
i can take the bow
and i don’t deserve this
it wasn’t me
i can’t take glory
for something that i can’t be
i don’t deserve this

i know what perfection is like
and i cannot stand before its might
and i’m so far from what You think that i must be
i just drown myself in mercy 

and all the art that i supposedly create
is simply a faded reflection of something He’s already made. 

penholder, flyleaf

But the further I go, the further I wander, the more I realize I need God. My friend Jessica posted a picture on Instagram last week that I needed—it said “Prayer is not a ‘spare wheel’ that you pull out when you’re in trouble, but it is a ‘steering wheel’ that directs the right path throughout life.” This is something I know, but I fall off track, and a reminder I need. I want to be well.

my scars are Yours today, this story ends so good
i love You and i understand that You stood where i stand
[thank You.] […] no matter what You’re going to break my shell.
i’m done healing—i’m done healing
i’m sorry, flyleaf 

Oh and totally out of the vibe of this post, but this makes me laugh so much:

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Such doge.

reading with my ears: on (audio)books.

Last year, my friend Beth (founder of Smart Girls with ADHD) shared her affinity for audiobooks on her blog.

I disagreed completely. You can’t listen to music while reading an audiobook, and I like blocking out auditory distractions with music (well, okay, you can, but that requires wizardry). I’d tried one audiobook around that time, Drums, Girls and Dangerous Pie, and while the story immersed me, I preferred reading its sequel After Ever After as an eBook (I ended up also buying Dangerous Pie as an eBook to re-read). Plus, I can read with my eyes just fine (I mean, the whole ADHD jumping paragraphs bit and rereading stuff is annoying but hey, whatever, that’s my life.)

Well, here we are a year later. And I get it.

ADHD/LD and Reading: Earphones

Guys, you can play games on your phone while reading audiobooks. You can walk around the mall while reading audiobooks. If your fellow passengers aren’t too chatty, you can read audiobooks on the bus even if you have motion sickness (which I do not, but whatever, I can still look for my stop since the speakers do not always work, ahem Transit). These things are all great for mind-wandering ADHDers who need to keep some part of their body moving beyond flipping pages, and multi-task to a degree to focus… And so we’re more likely to not miss our bus stops maybe, but that happens regardless so I’m not holding my breath on audiobooks helping that too much. 😉 Sometimes I have to rewind, but OverDrive (the player my—and many—libraries uses) has a skip backwards 15 seconds button just for the spacing out times or the people nearby getting too loud times. Oh, and recall that they said in my assessment that I’m more likely to retain information that I get through the auditory bit of my brain than the visual bit.

EDIT: Oh, and you can play Pokemon Go while reading. Heyyyyo.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

I set myself a goal to read 40 books this year (last year I think I tried to read 75 books and failed, obviously, reading 30, so 40 seemed like enough of a jump). Except now it’s July so we are more than halfway through 2016 and I’ve read, um, not even half. (If you want to bug me on GoodReads, be my friend!)

Here’s what I’ve read so far:

  • Freak the Mighty (Rodman Philbrick)
  • Smiling Mind – Mindfulness Made Easy
  • A Mother’s Reckoning – Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (Sue Klebold)
  • The Summer Before [the Baby-Sitters Club] (Ann M. Martin)
  • Shot in the Dark (Janet M. Whyte) [Audio]
  • Every Day (David Levithan) [Audio]
  • After (Amy Efaw) [Audio]

Here’s what I’m in the middle of:

  • Islands and Insulin (Erin Spineto)
  • Millersville (Brendan Detzner)

Some catching up is in order.

Maybe with my ears.

[belated] canada day.

Pretty sure there are few better ways to spend Canada Day… Than this.
On the water, on the shore, in a kayak. 

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maybe i could break clean, yeah, maybe i could break clean

when i’m on your shore again, i can fear the ocean
i can feel your open arms, like pure emotion
i’m finally free again, like my own explosion
when i’m on your shore again […]
well, it’s an abstract thought, 
but i’ve been thinking nonstop
bout the fact that my body’s made most out of raindrops…
with a saltwater heart,

oh maybe i could wash clean… all my landlocked dreams
yeah, maybe i could believe. 

saltwater heart, switchfoot

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Moments of peace, calm, before what is proving to launch into a hectic week. Even if on the freshwater, not the saltwater. 
Embrace it.
Embrace this.

This beautiful country.
And the freedom that I have to allow me this chaotic, beautiful life.

A call to be still. 

that time we got chased by a peacock at the zoo

Today is the last day of school, so Steve and I thought it would be a good day to check out the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo, without a lot of kids running around (just the under 5 types that happened to be there). So, off we went to the zoo with Guide Dog Murray to visit the dinosaurs, because we thought Murray would probably enjoy that (okay not really, but we wanted to go and it’s always cute taking pictures of adorable puppies with things).

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As we walked down the path to the dinosaur exhibit, there were some peacocks ahead, which was cool until the peacocks caught sight of us and our black, four legged friend named Murray.

And they started running.
Towards us.
AT US.

I’m not sure if I swore in front of all the children, and I’m sure Steve doesn’t remember either because we ran.

I didn’t actually realize until I looked back after we’d started booking it back to the entrance that there were not one, but two peacocks chasing us and squawking at us. Somewhere in there I finally thought to scream which freaked them out a bit and they stopped charging towards us. We kept running until they were out of sight.

Of course, Murray got all excited that we were running and he was just bouncing around as we ran. Silly dog, had zero clue that peacocks wanted to eat him. Which is probably for the better. Look, despite how adorable tall Steve finds my short legs running, I only ever run for legitimate reasons—also I learned how to run in university. #kinwin.

After about 200 metres of running (I don’t know how far it was, I think that was Steve’s guess), I could no longer see the terrifying peacocks. We stopped and slightly more calmly made it back inside the entrance area where we paid, and walked up to the ticket lady that had processed our admission and informed all the zoo staff that a service dog was coming in by radio.

“Hi, so we just got chased by a peacock out there…” I told her “Can we get a refund and we’ll come back one day without the dog?”
“…Oh wow. Uh yeah let me just go talk to my boss.”
“I know, things you never thought you’d hear when you came into work today, right?”

We got our refund after our five minute zoo trip and went to the gift shop.

Murray still got to see some dinosaurs, but they were tinier than anticipated.

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And there’s the story of the shortest zoo trip in history, probably.

And the story of that time I got chased by a peacock with a dude who never saw it coming and a puppy who probably thought we were playing. 😉

alive:living

kerri   June 16, 2016   No Comments on alive:living

When you have

your pulse and blood pressure checked. A blood draw. An EKG. Eyedrops and eye pressure checked. Bright lights shined into your eyes…

You know you are alive.

When you have

a dog lick your hands out of nowhere and rest his head on your leg. A conversation over coffee. Poutine, no matter how bad it might be for you. 11,359 steps on the Fitbit and counting. Excited hugs and high fives from kids. Coloured your hands pink with food dye and laughed, then fingerpainted with coloured pudding at work with three boys. A run in on the bus with a friend you haven’t seen in forever and you both jump off a stop later to go for Subway, a trip to Bulk Barn, and continue on to Toys R Us and Dollarama and CATCH UP. A silicone Lego ice cube mold arrive in the mail as a late birthday present. A million messages flying around about the plans for tomorrow and next week…

You know you are living.
I know I am alive, even if a little scarred.

And I know I am living. Fully.