Always, always when I think of this, on this day, a wave of disbelief and dizziness in reliving those moments of desperation passes over me. The day comes and goes, year after year, where I was so close to losing it all, and then in an instant, got it all back. And I still don’t know what to say about it, what to do about it. In a moment where everything was crumbling in front of my eyes, the darkness that surrounded everything around me and everything in me became light.
Six years later, I am still without words for the redemptive love of my amazing Saviour who saved my life. Protected me from myself and saved my life when I was so, so close to throwing everything away. Throwing my life away.
I have no other words. I am still alive.
And thank You will never be enough. But those two words, HOPE for tomorrow, and a heart of love for my God is all I have. Hope that only begun in me six years ago today, and love that I try to let shine through in my life.
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be transformed, to be changed. I don’t deserve the amazing people around me, my amazing jobs, the amazing kids I work with, my amazing church. I don’t deserve all of the things I’ve been blessed with. I don’t deserve the love of my God after all the times I pushed Him away and smacked Him in the face.
Yet He loves me despite it all. He loves me enough that He opened my heart that September day in 2005 by telling me that I didn’t have to end my story then and there. That He alone could get me through everything I was facing–lighten my darkness, take the depression, and heal my grandma of the cancer that invaded her for a few more years.
I’m living a life that six years ago I’d have never dreamed. I’ve had amazing ups, and I’ve had huge downs. I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve danced, I’ve cried. I’ve reached my arms to the sky in worship and fallen to my knees in desperation.
I’ve created new chapters of the same story that God is writing.
I am ALIVE.