there’s a lot that i don’t know, there’s a lot that i’m still learning. when i think i’m letting go, i find my body is still burning, and you hold me down. and you got me living in the past. come on and pick me up, somebody clear the wreckage from the blast.
i’m alive, and i don’t need a witness to know that i survive. i’m not looking for forgiveness. i just need light, i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution.
and the bars are finally closed, so i try living in the moment. till the moment it just froze, and i felt sick and so alone. i can hear the sound of your voice still ringing in my ear, i’m going underground, but you find me anywhere, i fear.
the resolution, jack’s mannequin
Change, growth . . . they are processes that can start at any time . . . and hopefully are continuous. There may be lapses. That doesn’t mean it’s over. A “resolution” to me seems so finite. Nothing is finite. Goodness . . . is continual.
Let’s make ourselves better all around, let’s move, let’s meet new people . . . let’s change our worlds through interaction, through hope, through love . . . and though Good Things.
At the end of 2011, I declared 2012 the year of Good Things. And . . . that little declaration delivered.
January
Jay, who might I add is the guy behind the phrase Good Things, guest posted about his type 1 diabetes story early on in the year. This has gone to be one of the most read posts on this blog–it also proved to me to just ask. I’ve learned a lot from Jay over the last year and a half, and I’m blessed that he chose to share his story here, too.
Thanks to my friend Steve Richert, I rekindled my love of climbing. Turns out that a youth event would be the only time I got up on a wall this year.
February
For my friend Sara’s birthday, I started leaving Positive Post-Its places. Little did I know that I’d actually be able to see a response!
I realize I am the only one in charge of my choices, even if circumstances change how I am thinking and I have to make it happen.
I turn twenty-one — and announce that I’ll be going to Quebec City with the Asthma Society of Canada for the World Congress of Asthma and making my way to California for Medicine-X!
June
June kicks off with the Day of Visibility for people with invisible illnesses.
Steve comes to Winnipeg en route to Churchill to see polar bears, so we get to hang out a bunch on his first visit to Canada (and between the two of us, never shut up).
Spark. I go to church for the second time since May with mixed feelings . . . and remain in anticipation of what is coming.
I philosophize about the concept of Make Yourself by Incubus and how it applies to my own life. i’m thinking Make Yourself will be the theme of the year.
Except for a few blips, I feel that 2012 was a pretty darn good year.
At the beginning of January, I wrote a list of goals for 2012. As the year closes off, let’s take a look at these again and see how I did
Small things
Focus on the good things.
I think I did this one pretty well :]. It’s pretty un-specific, but it’s clearly smattered across the last year of this blog.
Complete the onehundredpushups program and not derail. Yes, I am doing girly push-ups. It is better than no push-ups. If all goes well, this will be completed by the end of January.
Unsuccessful. I think I got up to 50 and then derailed.
Stop making Saturday and Sunday the exception:
the weekend is not an excuse to only brush my teeth once a day instead of twice
it is not an excuse to forgo a workout or two
and it is not a cop out for eating all kinds of random food.
Can you say derailed. Says the girl who has not legitimately worked out for over a month, has derailed on the twice-daily weekend brushing-of-teeth [once always. Twice not so much.] and is having cookie-dough hot chocolate for breakfast at 11 am?
Become more reliable at hitting up the cardio workouts 45 minutes/day, 5 days/week.
See workout explanation from previous point.
Read over the day’s notes when I get home from school and make study notes as the term goes on, because it will make finals suck less.
Considering 2012 featured the failing of anatomy in the spring, dropping two classes in Fall term, and possibly sneaking by with a D in social psychology [and a currently unknown in the anatomy repeat] this . . . might have been helpful.
Okay, let’s move on to the bigger things
Bigger things
Health advocacy: do new things, reach beyond what I’ve already been doing in some way. [Maybe that’s doing more races sporting the Team Asthma gear, maybe that’s trying to see if volunteering at asthma camp will work this year, maybe that’s giving my time and my own body for research if I’m eligible. It could be a lot of things, or all of these things].
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! This happened in ways I would have never believed: Quebec City for the World Congress of Asthma, the Stanford University Medicine-X conference . . . and I might possibly have some new goodness with the Asthma Society of Canada rolling out in the near future. My friends and I also participated in the Canadian Diabetes Association 10K, and I launched the Kerri Kicks Asthma CanadaHelps page. I also started working on a couple new asthma advocacy related projects, The Forward Project which needs some realignment, and the Living With Asthma Twitter chat which will be live again in January.
Actually walk a half marathon. I’ve been saying I’m going to do one for about two years, so let’s make 2012 the year pending all goes as planned.
No bueno. I have been saying this half marathon thing since 2009 or 2010, and it still scares me, probably why I haven’t done it yet.
Work with others to help them realize their own potential, be a part of that ripple effect.
So much goodness. This one has been a plethora of little things. Its actually caused me to reach out of my comfort zone to people I haven’t spoken with in several years over Facebook to provide them with resources on things. It’s
Figure out where I’m at with God.
More lost than ever, but learning more at the same time.
I tried this twice and lasted one or two days respectively. Continuity is not my strength.
Hesitate less, do more.
YES. Airplanes. Road trip. Internet “strangers” who are among my best friends. I think the prime example of this one is going to California for Medicine-X.
I fully expect to not accomplish all of these, and if I don’t, they’ll transfer into 2013. If I do, then I’ll be golden.
I didn’t accomplish everything, but I definitely accomplished more different things than expected! And, I’m 3/6 for the big things, which is pretty phenomenal.
From the first time I heard the title track of the Incubus album Make Yourself seven years ago, I’ve (as I always am overanalyzing) constantly listened with a new appreciation of autonomy; of choice. The world only shapes us as we allow it to. Consciousness, mindfulness of what we are doing has every ability to win out if we let it. Nobody is in charge of our reality except for ourselves.
if i hadn’t made me / i would have been made somehow. / if i hadn’t assembled myself, i’d have fallen apart by now. / if i hadn’t made me / i’d be more inclined to bow / powers that be would have swallowed me up, but that’s more than i can allow.
if you let ’em make you, they’ll make you papier-mache. / at a distance you’re strong, until the wind comes / then you crumble and blow away. / if you let ’em fuck you / there will be no foreplay / rest assured, they’ll screw you complete / till your ass is blue and grey.
you should make ammends with you / if only for better health, better health. / but if you really want to live / why not try and make yourself? / make yourself.
if i hadn’t made me / i’d have fallen apart by now / i won’t let ’em make me / it’s more than i can allow / so when i make me / i won’t be papier mache. / and if i fuck me, i’ll fuck me in my own way / fuck me in my own way.
make yourself.
–make yourself, incubus
There is the reality that we are shaped by our surroundings, however, we are not created/formed by them. We can decide how we choose to let our circumstances alter our realities. It’s an intentional process of growth.
If I hadn’t made me, I would have been made somehow.
Letting go of apathy can be extremely hard–it’s evident in some past posts that I’ve been trying to let go of spiritual apathy for almost a year and a half now, and I’m still stuck. In the process of that apathy though . . . I am allowing myself to explore my thoughts deeper through my disconnection. And that, i think, is a good thing. Looking back on the last seven years, it is completely obvious that I have been being shaped, and then remodelling myself from what I did and didn’t like spiritually–kissing “religion” goodbye; preachiness goodbye; spiritual bullshit goodbye. It’s not by the book, it’s not to the letter, but I am so much happier this way.
Assembl[ing] myself.
Spiritually, I’ve figured out for myself that it’s okay if I don’t follow all the “rules”. Others may not be okay with this . . . but that’s okay.
To me, that means love is love. Maybe it means “broken rules” and disconnect. All that can be okay if I let it be okay. It’s experiential, it’s experimental, it’s journeying with God . . . what’s the point of having a story if there’s not story to tell?
Powers that be would have swallowed me up, but that’s more than I can allow.
Though it sometimes perhaps felt like a curse, the fact that I simply couldn’t allow myself to become a cookie-cutter clone in the past has worked out to my advantage. The world has shaped me in many good ways, taught me many tough lessons, but in the end, I’ve still come out of it myself. “I don’t know what I am, but I’m not a category.” [inspectors of inspectors, driftless pony club.]
If you let ’em make you, they’ll make you papier-mache.
Choices, friends and good things, good influences, have lead me to where I am. Mostly healthy in spite of this thing called chronic illness. Happy most of the time. A sense of insatiable wanderlust that is being fulfilled in more unexpected ways than I could have ever dreamed. I’ve fought myself. I’ve fought with the world around me. And . . . I grew. To realize the importance of growing through these experiences.
You should make ammends with you if only for better health. But if you really want to live why not try and make yourself.
The world can impact me, shake me, teach me . . . but I am who I am. If I’m not on the right path, well, I’m quite enjoying this one–so, if I’m fucking up, I’m fucking up my own way: the way that will teach me something and help me see things better every day.
If I hadn’t made me I’d have fallen apart by now […] and if I fuck me, I’ll fuck me in my own way.
