I talk a lot.  It’s one of my better qualities for working at a daycare.  But with everything I do–having an active job, running around at work and in class, going to school where very few people know me, working out, and everything else that comes with just living your life, not everybody knows your life story.  And i’ve taken CPR enough times and know enough EMTs to know that in an emergency, knowing your story can make a huge difference.

Especially when you can’t talk.

For that reason, I’ve worn a medical ID bracelet of sorts since my asthma moved beyond two inhalers.  Simply, it stated my name, asthma, organ donor and an emergency contact phone number.  Which in reality is all that is necessary in an emergency anyway.  I haven’t ever gotten to that point yet, and I very much hope and pray I never do.  But asthma is a strange disease, and you just never know.

Here’s where the dumb part came in.  All too frequently when I’m out, nobody is at the contact phone number on my bracelet.  And if they were, I have doubts either of my parents would be able to share the names of the medications I’m on–I don’t blame them at all.  Some days I forget.  And sometimes, they’re away from home for a week or two at a time, rendering contacting anybody useless until I’m able to tell people what’s up.  No bueno if I happen to get sick.  So after pondering this realization for two out of four weeks in July as I ran amok at work with my parents out at Lake No Man’s Land with barely any phone service, I realized the too-frequent semi-uselessness of my ID bracelet.

In August, I made the move to MedicAlert.  My bracelets give the hotline phone number, my member number and read ASTHMA, ORGAN DONOR.  My file advises medical personnel of my medications and my retinopathy.  If anything happens, MedicAlert will notify my family, and I can update the contact numbers on my file as-necessary.  Whether I’m around home, or around the world, regardless of whether where I am speaks English or not, MedicAlert covers the details in translation, I’m protected.  Probably over-protected.  It’s like why people buy insurance, they hope to never, ever need it, but they have it just in case.

I got my first plain ol’ “designer” stainless steel bracelet a couple weeks ago, right before I went to Chicago — perfect timing.

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Yesterday, my sport bands [or sportybands as Natasha and I have been calling them!] came.  The other is just plain black.

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So, maybe I’m over protected, but at least whatever and whereer life takes me . . . I’m ready.

Always, always when I think of this, on this day, a wave of disbelief and dizziness in reliving those moments of desperation passes over me.  The day comes and goes, year after year, where I was so close to losing it all, and then in an instant, got it all back.  And I still don’t know what to say about it, what to do about it.  In a moment where everything was crumbling in front of my eyes, the darkness that surrounded everything around me and everything in me became light.

Six years later, I am still without words for the redemptive love of my amazing Saviour who saved my life.  Protected me from myself and saved my life when I was so, so close to throwing everything away.  Throwing my life away.

I have no other words.  I am still alive.

And thank You will never be enough. But those two words, HOPE for tomorrow, and a heart of love for my God is all I have.  Hope that only begun in me six years ago today, and love that I try to let shine through in my life.

I don’t deserve this.  I don’t deserve to be transformed, to be changed.  I don’t deserve the amazing people around me, my amazing jobs, the amazing kids I work with, my amazing church.  I don’t deserve all of the things I’ve been blessed with.  I don’t deserve the love of my God after all the times I pushed Him away and smacked Him in the face.

Yet He loves me despite it all.  He loves me enough that He opened my heart that September day in 2005 by telling me that I didn’t have to end my story then and there.  That He alone could get me through everything I was facing–lighten my darkness, take the depression, and heal my grandma of the cancer that invaded her for a few more years.

I’m living a life that six years ago I’d have never dreamed.  I’ve had amazing ups, and I’ve had huge downs.  I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve danced, I’ve cried.  I’ve reached my arms to the sky in worship and fallen to my knees in desperation.

I’ve created new chapters of the same story that God is writing.

I am ALIVE.

It’s not a new thing, but I have some kind of weird North Dakota Lungs phenomenon going on, ever since a couple months before I was actually diagnosed with asthma in 2008, in which every time I go to North Dakota my asthma starts flaring up [what’s the deal with that?  I was FINE in Wisconsin, Illinois and Minnesota.  It’s always friggen North Dakota], I got out for a walk today with Sam.  My mantra is slowly becoming “Well, if I already don’t feel good, might as well go out.”  Yeah, it wasn’t the best, but it’s been worse.

I had a 7K on my training schedule, but cut it down to a measly 4.2 because 1) I screwed up my ankle, and 2) I got iced coffee on my two-day-old white UnderArmour shirt.  These things have to be dealt with, people. Mostly new shirts.  Proof I shouldn’t be getting iced coffee during a workout, I suppose.  Went home pretty rapidly after that so I could get it in water.  Screwing up my ankle was just a stupid move on my part.

So Sam and I set out with a camera, ready to strike some poses and have some fun on our walk.  This ended in craziness where we were jumping off picnic tables (it was awesome).

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I landed wrong AND hard on my left ankle.  It’s minor, I’ve got it wrapped right now and am going to tape it in the morning.  I’ll be icing.  Don’t want this getting in my way and think it’ll be better in a couple days, but taking precautions.  My left side is my strong side and takes a lot of the work thanks to my left leg being significantly longer than my right leg, it overcompensates.  Also I was jumping in non-proper athletic/jumping shoes.  Read: Converse.

I’m doing another measly four kilometers tomorrow [going to walk to work and add a block or so somewhere].  The 7 has been moved to Thursday.  And it will happen then, either before or after school, which starts on Wednesday [on which day I work 7:30-9 and then will find myself stuck in class until 8:30 pm, so unless I figure out a non-peak time to hit the gym, will be a rest day forever and ever amen.]

Awhile back I posted a video alluding to my vegetarianism on YouTube.  Krystie asked a few questions about it, which I’m finally going to answer — sorry for taking so long!

I would like to know the different types of foods you have to eat. Is it a lot different than being a carnivore? Do you like being a vegetarian, is it a lot of work searching for vegetarian food? Do you have to take vitamins b/c of being vegetarian, b/c you don’t get all your nutrients? What do you like about being vegetarian?

First, I’d like to say that nutritionally, I suck at being a vegetarian.  I started working on this during August and will definitely kick it up in September when school starts, travelling just threw me right off.  I’m also a very picky eater with food texture issues, and that doesn’t help at all.  Read: seriously, I’m twenty and I can’t eat yogurt with fruit chunks because it makes me gag.

I’m a lacto-ovo vegetarian, which means that while I don’t eat fish, poultry or red meat, I still do consume dairy and egg products.  Likewise, a lacto-vegetarian still consumes dairy products, but not eggs, and an ovo-vegetarian consumes eggs but not dairy.  A vegan consumes no animal products or by-products.  There is also the existence of semi-vegetarianism [red meat free diets], pescitarianism [fish is consumed but no poultry or red meat] and pollotarianism [poultry is consumed but no fish or red meat], however, I’m not a believer that these half-attempts are true forms of vegetarianism.  [Likewise, eating just poultry or fish kills more animals than eating just beef would, which from an animal-rights standpoint I think is stupid.]

So here are the answers that my nutrition textbook would approve of.  Variety is huge, and cutting out meat makes variety even more important.  Here’s the thing: I don’t eat beans except for green beans because they weird me out, the texture of tofu makes me gag, I don’t like eggs, I refrain from eating nuts when at school and can’t eat them at work, and I forget about the existence of seeds.  That’s the majority of the alternatives section of the meat and alternatives food group for Canada’s Food Guide.  So, mostly I increase my milk and alternatives servings [dairy is my favourite food group, totally.]  Usually, I have at least two cups of 1% milk a day and a serving or two of lower-fat cheese.

As for vegetarianism being a lot different than eating meat, it depends on the context.  Awhile back came the invention of fake meats — soy products that are packed with sodium and are meant to mock meat.  This ranges from veggie “burgers” to “chicken” nuggets, “bacon” to sandwich “meat”.  Some of which are terribly gross, some of which are good, all of which are FULL of sodium like I mentioned before–I have to mention it again just to make a point.  When you’re eating these sorts of things, you can basically eat like any carnivorous person in the Western world.  Except some of them are gross, they’ve got protein but aren’t all that good for you, and many argue “If you’re a vegetarian, why would you eat FAKE meat?”.  Okay I get it.  But I never said I didn’t LIKE meat, I just like animals being ALIVE and not being killed for our food when we’ve got so much other stuff to eat.

When I’m travelling, like I am right now, eating is much harder.  I travel primarily with meat-eaters, so while they can go grab a burger anywhere and be happy, most places don’t cater to vegetarians.  I don’t count fries as an acceptable meal, but sometimes they have to do.  Other times, like last night, I just didn’t eat and went to Wal-Mart and found some other [crap] to eat.  As for being at home, there’s a lot more control, so it’s not as hard.  I discovered this summer that I totally LOVE raspberries and blackberries, and think that these will be a school year staple along with granola-type cereals and yogurt when I’m eating on campus a time or three per day.

I do take vitamins when I remember.  I recently switched to One-A-Day Women’s vitamins to Centrum Performance because of the higher level of B-complex vitamins.  I definitely am a believer that nutrition should come from food, but I’ll admit it, I do tend to forget to eat when things get crazy, and I’m known to not eat until like two in the afternoon.  When you cut out seven hours of eating time from your day, it’s hard to pack it all in.  So, the time and place for vitamins definitely applies to my life — I’m young, I forget to eat, I try to work out regularly, and I’m a vegetarian.  The need for vitamins depends on your food intake, overall diet, and many other factors, so I made the choice to start taking vitamins again.

I like a lot of things about being a vegetarian.  For one, eight-billion animals are killed every year for human consumption.  I try to never force my beliefs about food on anybody, but knowing that WE have the power to change that and don’t kind of hurts.  So I’m doing my part.  When I’m trying to do the vegetarian thing right, I like that it DOES make more conscious about what I’m putting into my body, and that can’t be a bad thing at all.  I like that it makes people ask questions, make people curious — because maybe they’ll decide to give it a go at some point.  Maybe one day a week or maybe for the rest of their lives.  I like that vegetarians have a smaller footprint on the environment.  Not only are we not killing animals for food, but in processing those animals to be able to be eaten.  Take this for example, in order to make a one-pound steak, it takes nearly 9,500 litres of water.  I know we very much take water for granted in the Western world, but nearly ten-thousand litres of fresh water could do so much good for so many people [and animals!] that wasting that much for a pound of beef just blows my mind.  There’s a lot more I could say on the subject of ecological sustainability and vegetarianism, but I’ll save that for another time.

 

Thanks for the questions, Krystie!  If anybody else wants to know my thoughts further on anything above, or another topic altogether, drop me an e-mail or a comment.

Title quote from “Neither of Us Can See” by Incubus.