hello, there. again.

It’s been months, literally months since I’ve written here. Probably because I’m writing other places on the internet. So here I am, wrapping up May after I haven’t written since January 30th. I have half written posts around on adventures since then, and words that have been published elsewhere (aka asthma.net). And some things that’ll never see the internet, shitty circumstances where I was somewhat stabbed in the back where I’d trusted someone and then had to clean up a mess they made–which was even more mentally time consuming than physically time consuming (if that’s even a way to explain time, in a physical sense). 

March, April, May even have involved airplanes and time invested and spent and wasted and given. 

I’ve gotten really sucked into podcasts which take more time than I realize–and I am smarter if not necessarily better for it. I’m thinking of going back to school and taking, no word of a lie, political science, even though prior to six or so months ago I had no interest in politics although I’ve been strong on voting since I could vote. At the start of May I was in Ottawa for World Asthma Day, in April, I was in Palo Alto to present at Stanford Medicine X | ED, and in March, I was in St Louis, Chicago, Washington DC, Philadelphia and Toronto on a whirlwind adventure that happened t settle around two conferences.  

Here are some (a lot, but only a sample) pictures.

Flickr Album Gallery Powered By: Weblizar

[Also I can’t figure out what I’m doing so to see the flickr album if it doesn’t load, click here.]

Not to say there wasn’t more.

There surely was.

But without writing everything down–whether here or in a journal–I’m living through Facebook and instagram and Twitter and a camera, and being in the moment, but maybe not translating that into reconstructable memories as readily. And maybe that’s okay but I think maybe I want that to change too. 

So here I am again.
Back.
Hopefully more intentionally. (Therapy.)

Because I’m getting closer–checking my Fitbit, logging nutrition with myfitnesspal (for five days now), and I actually rode the stationary bike the other day.
Now I’m writing.
Next is meditation.

Getting back to who I really am. And some (small bit of) routine.

hello, 2017.

Hello, 2017. Hello, blog. 

I want to blog more this year. And read 50 books and watch 17 movies and write more things and learn Braille and also find more work (yay!). So I don’t know where the time for the blogging will come, but I’d like to post weekly. We’ll see how that goes.

http://i0.wp.com/farm1.staticflickr.com/418/32177559155_8c2c527c4f.jpg?resize=400%2C500&ssl=1January 1. As usual (except because I was sick last year and we delayed New Years Eve partying) I started 2017 at the Epp’s. Trish gave us pie before they went out, which we ate after midnight. We played Say Anything and Cards Against Humanity and Tom and I read parts of books that he got for Christmas. Because we are nerds?
As usual we also went to Jack Pott’s on New Year’s Day. Sadly, Dean won the annual air hockey game.

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January 2. My mom and I went to bingo but apparently Share the Wealth bingo is weird. Anyways, we played penny slots after so of course I spent some quality time with Groovy Louie. I only ended up spending $19 of the $25 I put in so I consider that a win for like an hour and a half of entertainment.

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January 3. Well, that’s a good mail day (after a fun day with Dean and Jackie at Kawaii Crepe and wandering the Village.)

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I got a 3Doodler for Christmas but it jammed and was super terrible to get the maintenance cover back on so I took it back and got a Scribbler.

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So I made Dean and Jackie things. Yay!

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I also got a package from the National Foundation for Transplant regarding Steve’s lung transplant fundraising. (More to come!)

January 4. Dean and Jackie and I went for lunch with my mom, aunt and cousin Alyssa. Dean and Jackie and I went to visit my grandma. Here are pretty trees down her street that Jackie and I stopped to take a picture of.

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Then that evening I used my new donut pans from Lindee to make chai donuts. They were delicious.

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January 5. I did some work (what is work?!) and then went to get Dean’s oil changed with him and Jackie (exciting details, I know). Lindee made dinner including some of the best mac and cheese ever. EVAH.

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These darn kids are going back to Minneapolis and I think they should just stay here.

January 6.

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After a bunch of really cold days, -16 feels like a heatwave where I just about like, melted in the mall en route to work. I was tempted to take my jacket off but I settled for unzipping it and my hoodie. After work, we went to the light show which, like last year, was rad. 

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 January 7.

 

First cupcake of 2017 only took 7 days. And it’s basically the prettiest damn cupcake I’ve ever had. And, it was from Save On Foods at that. 
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Miguel also threw a surprise party for my cousin Jenn’s birthday tonight, and while I was too busy eating that cake (Jeanne cake = best), but the cupcake really symbolizes that pretty well, too.

See ya next week! (Maybe even tomorrow, but… maybe.)

[catching up] create something saturdaysundaymonday. [22/31]

It’s Monday. Saturday has passed.
Sunday has passed.
Hello Monday.

My head’s been in words lately—I am not creating in colours or pictures, but in words. And sometimes that is the only creation of something I can get out because, hey, that’s work for ya. I’ll try better next weekend :).

So instead, from Sunday, here is a ridiculous panorama from Goalball, in which Gerry’s arm is falling off. It grew back, per his wife, because she was sending him out to do yard work. 😉

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Day 22 Challenge Update:

Plank: 155 seconds, day 2. (2:35)
This one felt super terrible. I’m not sure if it was the difference between doing it on carpet vs. the foam tiles in my office, but as much as I tried to correct my lumbar spine felt super concave and my shoulders and left knee felt unstable.
Tomorrow is 165 seconds. I’ve made it this far without hitting the did not complete X button in the app—I just hope I can keep that up another 9 days

Meditation: I did a 1 minute mindfulness guide last night, and fell asleep right at the end. I woke up at 9 am, about 6-6.5 hours later and I had my alarm clock running in the background, started before the meditation, and the meditation still awaiting me to hit finish! That’s what I get for FaceTime-ing till 2 am, I guess :).

faded reflection: last week, from now.

I spent last week at the cabin.

I spent some time on the water in the kayak, some time reading [new books: Evolution, Me & Other Freaks of Nature, On My Own (Diary of a Teenage Girl), The First Part Last (Heaven #2) (unsure of what Heaven #1 is); reread Falling Up (Diary of a Teenage Girl) although i remembered none of it), and continued on Islands and Insulin.

Something also sparked in me to pick up the Bible again. What a concept for me. Picking up the Bible, in this case, was putting the Bible Gateway app back on my phone. And here’s the thing, I was actually excited about it.

I journaled. Not a ridiculous amount, but I got my head back out of me or back in check in the way that only writing seems to do for me—really, the best therapy. I considered stuff I need to work on, and “iterations of myself I need to get back to”. Like the whole exercising/nutrition/journaling/mediating/praying thing.

I saw a sunrise—it moved me to stumble back to my bed on the way back from the bathroom at 5 AM for my phone to take a picture—to not miss the moment and not think it was just a dream in the morning.

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I created. This was, actually, before the sunrise sighting.

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I played mindless games (actually, Cooking Fever is kind of stressful, my goodness), and looked for Pokemon.

I tried to be present, mindful, as much as my lack of routine and ADHD allows.

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I did some work when I felt like it. It’s part of my life, no matter how much on “holidays” people kept saying we were on. I chose to not be on vacation for the times I spent working. It’s easy when you like what you do for work and can work anywhere.

It was really, though, about coming back to where I need to be; about reflecting on self-care and seeing what I want more of in my life. And, I found a lot of good stuff in the process—stuff I need to work on. Like talking to God and seeing Him in my world—opening my eyes and allowing Him to open my eyes.

Edit: After I published this, I found this live set from Lacey Sturm on YouTube, at one point she says, “God is always pursuing you, but do we always pursue Him?” 
I think my answer is obvious; but that the question is perfect.

i feel Your eyes crawling over me
as though i am something more than me
but i don’t have anything good enough to say
i did not make myself this way

i’ll show you what He did
but i won’t take the credit
it’s not mine anyway
i just held the pen that day

and i don’t deserve this
this time right now
it’s not something for which
i can take the bow
and i don’t deserve this
it wasn’t me
i can’t take glory
for something that i can’t be
i don’t deserve this

i know what perfection is like
and i cannot stand before its might
and i’m so far from what You think that i must be
i just drown myself in mercy 

and all the art that i supposedly create
is simply a faded reflection of something He’s already made. 

penholder, flyleaf

But the further I go, the further I wander, the more I realize I need God. My friend Jessica posted a picture on Instagram last week that I needed—it said “Prayer is not a ‘spare wheel’ that you pull out when you’re in trouble, but it is a ‘steering wheel’ that directs the right path throughout life.” This is something I know, but I fall off track, and a reminder I need. I want to be well.

my scars are Yours today, this story ends so good
i love You and i understand that You stood where i stand
[thank You.] […] no matter what You’re going to break my shell.
i’m done healing—i’m done healing
i’m sorry, flyleaf 

Oh and totally out of the vibe of this post, but this makes me laugh so much:

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Such doge.

12 of 12 – december 2015

On the 12th of each month, I take 12 pictures throughout the day and then blog them. Here are my photos for December 12, 2015.

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12:21 am – bathroom. I regularly empty my pockets while taking my bedtime inhalers.

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9:26 am – bedroom. Good morning, Movie Mike! He and my earphones slid under the bed overnight, despite that the cupcake tries to protect him.

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10:50 am – bus. I unintentionally collect these things. I’m going to make a collage one day, I think.

http://i1.wp.com/farm6.staticflickr.com/5811/23678345631_3c99466b80.jpg?resize=375%2C500&ssl=1

1:45 pm – Amber and Darren’s. Happy first birthday, Bria! 

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3:50 pm – bus. Riki borrowed this skateboard like, two years ago (it’s a long story). Now I’m taking it on buses in December. (Also a long story.)

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5:09 pm – bus. Yes, I did say I was taking the skateboard, covered in duct tape, on buses, plural.

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6:29 pm – kitchen. Arise by Chevelle always makes me think of my friend Darren, so I took a screenshot and sent it to him. You can check out his bass cover here (filmed by yours truly :].)

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6:59 pm – dining room. Decorated my little Christmas tree, complete with cupcakes and airplanes. I want an airplane tree topper, really, though this penguin will suffice.

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10:32 pm – bathroom. After nearly 10 years of needing to be fragrance-free, I finally found unscented bubbles. I’m kind of obsessed with them, but they are hard to find—my best friend found these ones for me :).

http://i2.wp.com/farm1.staticflickr.com/588/23734629006_463a171be5.jpg?resize=375%2C500&ssl=1

11:29 pm – kitchen. Not sure why there is a pumpkin in my kitchen. And mostly why it has not been made into pie yet.

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11:30 pm – kitchen. My current netflix obsession – Life Unexpected. [Which I finished on the 13th and am very unsure about the ending.

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11:31 pm – kitchen. And, when Netflix breaks… “Whoops, something went wrong…” They got nothing on Google Chrome’s “Oh snap!” error page…