faith / music

make yourself.

• by kerri

From the first time I heard the title track of the Incubus album Make Yourself seven years ago, I’ve (as I always am overanalyzing) constantly listened with a new appreciation of autonomy; of choice. The world only shapes us as we allow it to. Consciousness, mindfulness of what we are doing has every ability to win out if we let it.  Nobody is in charge of our reality except for ourselves.

if i hadn’t made me / i would have been made somehow. / if i hadn’t assembled myself, i’d have fallen apart by now. / if i hadn’t made me / i’d be more inclined to bow / powers that be would have swallowed me up, but that’s more than i can allow.

if you let ’em make you, they’ll make you papier-mache. / at a distance you’re strong, until the wind comes / then you crumble and blow away. / if you let ’em fuck you / there will be no foreplay / rest assured, they’ll screw you complete / till your ass is blue and grey.

you should make ammends with you / if only for better health, better health. / but if you really want to live / why not try and make yourself? / make yourself.

if i hadn’t made me / i’d have fallen apart by now / i won’t let ’em make me / it’s more than i can allow / so when i make me / i won’t be papier mache. / and if i fuck me, i’ll fuck me in my own way / fuck me in my own way.

make yourself.

–make yourself, incubus

There is the reality that we are shaped by our surroundings, however, we are not created/formed by them.  We can decide how we choose to let our circumstances alter our realities. It’s an intentional process of growth.

If I hadn’t made me, I would have been made somehow.

Letting go of apathy can be extremely hard–it’s evident in some past posts that I’ve been trying to let go of spiritual apathy for almost a year and a half now, and I’m still stuck.  In the process of that apathy though . . . I am allowing myself to explore my thoughts deeper through my disconnection. And that, i think, is a good thing.  Looking back on the last seven years, it is completely obvious that I have been being shaped, and then remodelling myself from what I did and didn’t like spiritually–kissing “religion” goodbye; preachiness goodbye; spiritual bullshit goodbye.  It’s not by the book, it’s not to the letter, but I am so much happier this way.

Assembl[ing] myself.

Spiritually, I’ve figured out for myself that it’s okay if I don’t follow all the “rules”. Others may not be okay with this . . . but that’s okay.

To me, that means love is love. Maybe it means “broken rules” and disconnect. All that can be okay if I let it be okay. It’s experiential, it’s experimental, it’s journeying with God . . . what’s the point of having a story if there’s not story to tell?

Powers that be would have swallowed me up, but that’s more than I can allow.

Though it sometimes perhaps felt like a curse, the fact that I simply couldn’t allow myself to become a cookie-cutter clone in the past has worked out to my advantage. The world has shaped me in many good ways, taught me many tough lessons, but in the end, I’ve still come out of it myself. “I don’t know what I am, but I’m not a category.” [inspectors of inspectors, driftless pony club.]

If you let ’em make you, they’ll make you papier-mache.

Choices, friends and good things, good influences, have lead me to where I am.  Mostly healthy in spite of this thing called chronic illness. Happy most of the time. A sense of insatiable wanderlust that is being fulfilled in more unexpected ways than I could have ever dreamed. I’ve fought myself. I’ve fought with the world around me.  And . . . I grew. To realize the importance of growing through these experiences.

You should make ammends with you if only for better health. But if you really want to live why not try and make yourself.

The world can impact me, shake me, teach me . . . but I am who I am.  If I’m not on the right path, well, I’m quite enjoying this one–so, if I’m fucking up, I’m fucking up my own way: the way that will teach me something and help me see things better every day.

If I hadn’t made me I’d have fallen apart by now […] and if I fuck me, I’ll fuck me in my own way.

make yourself.

We make ourselves. I make myself.

make yourself.


life / music

“what’s breathing teaching me?”

• by kerri

you let it all go / so no, nobody knows / what’s breathing teaching me to believe? / as times goes they’ll know / that you let it all go.

so long, farewell / that’s what i said to you / bring on the stories, because i’m pulling through

you will not stay, michael jagmin

The discovery of this song a little before midnight last night is what prompted a late-night blog redesign. I’ve been meaning to do it for awhile, but that first bolded lyric grabbed me so hard and wouldn’t let me step away. In the last 24 hours, I’ve listened to You Will Not Stay sixty times. Michael Jagmin’s vocal range is absolutely incredible, and I’m often a sucker for the piano.

What’s breathing teaching me?

The important things.

There’s an unfortunate reality in living in “automatic pilot”. And if only a few times a day, it is because of breathing, because of asthma, I am forced to step back from being on autopilot and check in with myself.

It’s beyond that. I know that I need to do this in other areas of my life, too–pause and check in with how I’m feeling. Breathing is my reminder of that. Breathing . . . my heart beating . . . keeping me alive.

What’s breathing teaching me?

It’s teaching me about friendship. About loving people where they’re at. About spreading my metaphorical wings. About stepping out of my comfort zone. About movement. About hope. About really being alive.

About making each breath, each moment count for something . . . even if it is just in getting past the moment before it. To not take the moments for granted. About not being complacent in this journey.

That together . . . we will make it through this. Everything. Life.

 

(I’d also like to thank Mike for his feedback on the redesigning. I knew something was off and we couldn’t figure it out. After redoing the header, changing some colours, and adding the border, I’m a bit closer but still might do some tweaks over the next few days!)

asthma / life / music

twenty-one in twenty-twelve . . . continuing the good things

• by kerri

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With anatomy, work, class and a crazy week in the mix last week, I feel like [aside from yesterday] I have not blogged in forever. And this is accurate. Caroline jolted me into this realization that i have been a less than attentive blogger the last couple weeks.

I declared 2012 to be the Year of Good Things. It is delivering.

I turned 21 last Monday. Last Saturday my aunt made me this:

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I went to my fourth Switchfoot concert, which was amazing. There was a spontaneous chant for moustaches. I fell in love with The Rocket Summer because of this concert.

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Medicine-X

I am excited that I will be attending the Medicine-X conference in Palo Alto, California!  As I mentioned previously, Stanford has graciously awarded many ‘ePatients’ with “scholarships” to the conference. For me, this includes the conference, accommodation for three nights, and a good portion of my airfare. I am VERY excited to meet so many people who I have connected with online, and who I have yet to connect with in September! I’m SO excited to meet Kim and hopefully Cherise at the conference as well as hang out with Steve in San Francisco the day I get in.

But before that . . .

World Congress on Asthma

In 2010, I partnered with the Asthma Society of Canada as a member of the National Asthma Patient Alliance Executive committee. I was finally able to attend a conference call in May, and engaged with many amazing, passionate people with my laryngitis voice. A few months ago we were supposed to attend an event in Toronto which did not work out, but we will be meeting in person in Quebec City this summer at the World Congress on Asthma! I am very excited for this opportunity and to be among the handful of patients attending the conference. During my time in Quebec City, I plan to meet with two of North America’s most prominent asthma researchers, Dr. Sally Wenzel and Dr. Dilini Vethanayagam, and am very excited to meet both of them in person after multiple e-mails not only about asthma research, but improving the patient support experience.  As a part of this, I hope to be able to connect with those in my own community (such as Cathy on the NAPA executive with me) and across the country, and around the world.

I’m also hoping to walk the Diabetes Run for the Canadian Diabetes Association in September, along with the small-town Imagine Mental Health race I’ve done the last two years. I suppose I’d better get training!

#hawmc / life / music

ten – #hawmc day 13

• by kerri

So I missed yesterday. Fortunately I have two “get out of post free days”, but I can’t say I used it wisely. I basically forgot about #hawmc until 11:46 pm, and it wasn’t like I didn’t spend the bulk of the day at home after getting off work. Oh well–I had a great Skype call with Jamie, Larry, Carrie Lynn and Thomas to make up for the lack of #hawmc!

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Today is ten things you can’t live without day. And I just can’t bring myself to write it. Because it could be done, but it could be cliche and/or meaningless. It could be about stupid medicine and oxygen and the bottom row of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It should be bigger than that, and I think the journey of blogging is moving beyond the material things of life and gaining perspective on life outside of what we’re currently staring in the face. About the value of people and stories and community-building. And I know the whole perspective/perception/choice/change thing is something I blog about a lot, maybe because it’s a relatively new understanding for me that came about in my physical activity: promotion and adherence class last term. I just think it’s so crazy how that one class, those two days a week, had so much impact on how I think about things, how I think about how things impact me, and my general perceptions of life and people as a whole.

So instead of ten things I “can’t” live without [because “can’t” isn’t an option, nor is it a positive perception!], keeping it on the theme of perspective AND music, here are the top 10 songs on my iTunes (by different artists), because as a person who analyzes each section of these songs deeply and finds connection in them for some reason, they likely have more influence on me than I have previously contemplated.

10. Odette – Matthew Good

This song I am sure lead to this night. It and another further down the list is one that, during the bad breathing nights and asthma burn-out periods, gets me thinking a little too deeply too late at night–too wide awake, breathless and trapped in my own thoughts because I can’t sleep. Don’t wanna be so wide awake.

I look tired but I, I feel wired, and my body hums like it’s coming undone […] don’t wanna be so wide awake, don’t wanna be so wide awake. Hey, midnight, turn on your lights. Roll out your stars.

9. Perfect Day – Hoku

This one’s just a feel-good tune and just poppy enough to make me smile.

People say, they say that it’s just a phase, they tell me to act my age . . . well I am. On this perfect day, nothing’s standing in my way, when nothing can go wrong, tomorrow’s gonna come too soon, I could stay forever as I am, on this perfect day […] I’m in the race but I already won, but getting there can be half the fun

8. Isadore – Incubus

I think I like the mystery in this one. What is not awesome about the time Erica and her Isadore climbed aboard a balloon? It also has great guitar. But really: the mystery.

You can’t just leave, I’ve given everything. I can’t bear to leave, you’ve taken everything, you’re taking everything. It’s not who you were, it’s who you are, and we’ve come this far lover. No, I won’t rest until the world knows the name Isadore. […] Goodbye Erica, now I see, that my worst fears were in tune.

7. Drive – Ed Kowalczyk

The redemptive power of Jesus in a pretty typical Christian-rock way, but by one of my favourite artists, Ed Kowalczyk. I was already into Live prior to hearing Ed’s solo stuff, but the questioning organized religion and questioning God thing was really, really honest feeling to me based on my current perceptions on faith/dislike of religion/journey with God. While I feel like ALIVE [Ed’s solo album] was a weaker release than the Live stuff, I’ve learned to appreciate that they are separate entities. This song, as well as Grace, Soul Whispers and Rome still hit me hard in that they breathe the message of redemption into the music but without being, you know, preachy about it. I don’t do preachy music (or people) well.

Headed out into my desert, all alone and thirsty for something more […] probability of a victory’s over, would You mind if i put this on Your shoulder? i need something more! here i am, standing inside Your love, like a child falling asleep at the wheel of my life, and letting You drive. […] You’re the only One who can save me!

6. Square State Syndrome – Farewell Fighter

This one is the victory tune in the recovery phase from when Odette by Matthew Good becomes a playlist staple. It’s for when I can release what’s holding me back, when the shit stops weighing me down, when I can breathe again . . . physically and metaphorically.

And I stopped right there, not just to catch my breath but to gasp for air […] if you’re keeping score, this is a victory. i can finally breathe, i can finally sleep at night. […]

5. Daydreamer – Dr. Noise

I like a good heavy tune. I like some screaming, awesome guitar, and well-fitted drums. And this Dr. Noise tune hits it on the mark.

As the dream world fades, revelations made, reality enters once again. […] but something’s haunting me bittersweet reality.

4. Sunshine Escapade – Tess Dunn

This is one of the earlier recordings on Tess Dunn’s Youtube (not sure it’s even still up) that I swiped with vid to mp3 [Tess, I promise if there’s ever a studio recording I will buy it!], and it’s about Ari Shine, another very cool artist that I came to know of through Tess.  Tess and Ari both have cystic fibrosis, and this song is a powerful representation of the bond that chronic disease can bring between two people who share other common interests–something I have experienced myself in huge ways.

I just want to believe you when you say we’ll have a way soon, cause soon seems too far away for me […] when i am all alone, when i need you most, and you never turned me away despite what they have to say, and that’s why you’re becoming my sunshine, you may not fit the stereo[type] but why should i care? […] i’m beginning to think i’ll be okay, so promise me you’ll never change

3. Past Praying For – VersaEmerge

This is the tune that got me into VersaEmerge. I may be the only one who thinks of it this way, but we are in reality, all past praying for, and it is only in Jesus that we are redeemed. And sometimes, in spite of it all, sometimes I do think I’m too far gone still and why would God bother to redesign me. Questions unanswered, but, there has to be some reason that this song echoes with me so much. I ignore God, I float through days without paying Him a second thought, and even though I am working at this, sometimes I truly feel I am totally past praying for . . . but He redeems me in spite of my doubts and ignites my faith again when He writes it into my journey.

Always kept quiet, clenching my teeth, finally, fighting the floor, raise me from my bones once more. […] I wouldn’t want to wake you from yourself, doesn’t sit in your stomach just quite right. […] crawling around me, sleepless. In the wake I’ll be just like the rest, tell the sun don’t fall so we’ll never forget […] in the wake I’ll be just like the rest, past praying for.

2. Watch the Sky – Something Corporate

Once again, this is a getting-through-the-long-asthma-nights tune. I am fortunate I don’t have these nights often, as if I did my resonating tracks would have to be longer than two songs. The piano in this song is such an awesome driving force, and also could potentially speak to the redemption factor . . . and persistence.  There are bad days with any chronic disease. There is guilt that we didn’t make the right choices or did something to throw our control out of whack. And . . . there are good days where we know we can do this.

And then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I’m home. And I’ve been up for days, i finally lost my mind and then i lost my way, i’m blistered but i’m better […] i will crawl, there’s things that aren’t worth giving up i know, but i won’t let this get me, i will fight, you live the life you’re given with the storms outside, some days all i do is watch the sky […] this guilt feels so familiar and i’m home […] i think i, i could use a little break, but today was a good day. and it’s a deep sea in which i’m floating, still i seem to think that i must crawl.

1. Delight in Me – Addison Road

The number one most played song on my iTunes is one that is purely a worship song about God’s healing, His redemption and His love. The way I’ve been feeling lately in my faith journey, it surprises me that this is still at the top, but it really holds true to the permanence of God, that He truly never lets go no matter how far we try to run away from His open arms, that no matter what, He loves us.

i’m down here, pick me up. i’m lost, You found me. […] You forgive, I remember […] You delight in me ’cause i am precious to You. You delight in me ’cause, oh You love me. and when i’m low and i feel so useless, i’ll remember Your promise to me.

There. The top ten. And, you know, the rambly bit above.

#hawmc / music

theme song – #hawmc day 11

• by kerri

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i made my mistakes / i seen my heart cave in / i got my scars / i’ve been to hell and back again / born for the blue skies, we’ll survive the rain / born for the sunrise, we’ll survive the pain

we’re singing hey, you can’t count us out / we’ve been running up against the crowd / yeah we are the dark horses / we’re singing wait, it’s not over now / we’ve been down but we’ve never been out / we are the dark horses

we found a way out, the city takes everything it can / but outside the crowds i can feel my lungs again / born for the blue skies, we’ll survive the rain / born for the sunrise, we’ll survive the pain

we’re singing hey, you can’t count us out / we’ve been running up against the crowd / yeah we are the dark horses / we’re singing wait, it’s not over now / we’ve been down but we’ve never been out / we are the dark horses

we’re singing.

born for the blue skies, born for the blue skies, born for the sunrise, we’ll survive the pain.

we’re singing hey, you can’t count us out / we’ve been running up against the crowd / yeah we are the dark horses / we’re singing we don’t care what they say / we know we’ll find a way / we are the dark horses

[keep running with the dark horses, hope makes the blood change courses, keep running with the dark horses, stand up for the dark horses]

–dark horses, switchfoot