–champions of nothing, matthew good

carry me mother mary i’m faithless / like needles in haystacks the we just replace / it’s all the same monster that nobody faces where all is forgiven

on nights like tonight, when no one’s around i turn off the lights / and i float off the ground / and i smile like i used to when you were around / but truth be told i don’t know

–on nights like tonight, matthew good

 

hey midnight, turn on your lights. roll out your stars. /  i look tired but i, i feel wired and my body hums, like it’s coming undone.

don’t wanna be so wide awake . . . don’t wanna be so wide awake.

–odette, matthew good

There was little that was extensively emotional about last night as I thought a night like it would have been, just snap, kind of losing an hour and forty five minutes of my life.  I have been yearning for a night where I could simply stay awake and reflect.

I lost myself in it. I put my notebook down around 12:29 am . . . put the iPod on and earphones in, and laid in bed listening to Matthew Good. And eventually, the playlist cycling around on volume 1, I took out the earphones and hit sleep on both my Fitbit and SleepCycle app at 2:15 am.  An hour and fifteen minutes of my life that I have literally no idea where they went, other than into a zen-like spiral between asleep and awake. [This makes it sound like I was on drugs or something. I guarantee that was not the case, for it would be a far better explanation.]

Amazing.

The only thing better?  If I were actually on the floor . . .  Something about listening to another’s stories that resonate with you through the deepness of music while laying on the ground . . .

change is inevitable, growth is intentional.

glenda cloud

 

[My friend Dia wrote a really fantastic blog post on positive focus earlier today, please go read it!]

I have spoken, tweeted, and e-mailed people with a slight frequency lately on the topic of “being intentional” in the last while.  It’s becoming a theme that I am trying to implement in my own life — and screwing up at rather hard, to be totally honest.  However, the fantastic thing about intentionality, is that it is ALL about choice.  And though fantastic, this freedom can make intentionality a little hard to grasp, and even harder to implement. It is hard to ask yourself myself before each choice you I make: “which of these optionss will impact me most positively?”

So what is it to be intentional? Like I said above, making the choice that will affect you the most positively in the most ways.

It is like one of those “choose the best answer” multiple choice quizzes, except without the pre-concieved negativity of how much those questions suck. We are trying to be positive in our intentionality here, are we not?

The thing is, it is often easy to identify the correct, most intentionally decided upon choice, but it is not as easy to act upon these choices.  Sometimes for me, it is easier to act upon the intentional choices with regard to perception than it is with the ones that involve action.  The other thing I am realizing is that I likely need constant reminder to make choices that are intentional. It is not enough to wake up and decide to make intentional choices.

I keep blaming circumstance. I keep saying to myself “It was so much easier to do this last semester . . .”

Why? Because of the influencers surrounding me. Physical Activity: Promotion and Adherence was, among various other things, a term-long lesson in intentionality. It is a Good Thing to be reminded a couple of times a week of not necessarily exact things, but things like Jay constantly reminding us to own the behaviour and change it.  That is a reminder that I need to give myself.

What choices was I making last term that made me more aware of these aspects? More interaction with people striving towards the same things. More intentional exercise — 45 minutes a day 4 or 5 days a week. More constant nutrition logging — not to make a big deal of it, but just to make me more conscious of what I was putting into my body. The journalling thing I mentioned in a previous post is an intentional choice I hope to carry beyond Lent, but is one that I started trying to make again last term to deal with the emotional side of things.

Honestly, just because the class ends doesn’t mean the behaviour should. Not a chance. This is, this needs to be, far beyond a phase.

Today was not a good day for intentional choice-making. From what I have eaten, to the fact that I didn’t exercise, to the negativity I have felt towards certain situations or people, I need to change this. And I know that change is good, and change is a choice.  The thing is, it is cyclical. Exercise is the cornerstone — it encourages me to eat better, it helps me effectively deal with what I am feeling. Dealing with what I am feeling prepares me better to write out the remnants of the day before I go to bed. Because of the above I sleep better. I sleep better and I can exercise a bit harder and think a bit clearer.  It is all a choice.

Start over at that moment. We all screw up. Screwing up doesn’t mean I have to wait until tomorrow for a re-do.

Own the behaviour . . . and change it.

and what do i know? / what do i know of holy?

–what do i know of holy?, addison road

Holy. In both the spiritual and exclamatory forms of the word.

I have never been a fan of Evanescence. I had a couple friends in high school who were big into Evanescence, and I just didn’t dig them. Which is fine, but sometimes I just want so hard to like stuff related to music.  And then one Sunday we sang Bring Me to Life in church. And I was a little more open. I like when songs that were popular music can also align into a worship experience because they are not scary and preachy.  And then Bring Me to Life got on my iPod, and I danced to it. Not only is dance one of my favourite workouts, but I love that it can be such a spiritual experience, realigning my body, my heart and my spirit by letting my mind free.

And then I wanted more.

So this? This is so close to being so much of my story in a song that I didn’t write, much like Much Like Falling and Red Sam by Flyleaf.

i tried to kill my pain / but only brought more / so much more / i lay dying / and i’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal

i’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming / am i too lost to be saved? / am i too lost?

my God, my tourniquet / return to me salvation / my God, my tourniquet / return to me salvation

do You remember me? / lost for so long. / will You be on the other side, or will You forget me?

i long to die

my wounds cry for the grave / my soul cries for deliverance / will i be denied?

Christ, tourniquet, my suicide

–tourniquet, evanescence

 

It causes me to ask why. Why would my God keep going after me after I screwed so much up?  
So amazing.
Holy.

Jesus said to all of them, “If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing to give up their lives daily to follow me. Those who want to save their lives will give up true life. But those who give up their lives for Me will have true life.

Luke 9:23-24 [NCV]

I was not too lost. We are never too lost.