letdown.

I might have lost it in Physical Growth and Motor Development today if things didn’t start turning around.  It’s only Tuesday and I need this week to be over.

Those of you following me on twitter may recall the week prior to reading week I had three exams in twenty-eight hours. I started studying early, because the pressure was on. Lead-up to exams was stressful, not to mention I arrived at my Program Planning in Sport exam with mere minutes to spare after missing my bus and my mom coming to pick me up and the whole relaxation-exercise-in-the-car thing. I took all of the allotted time, and thought it went okay.  Principles of Coaching was much the same, though I left pissed off that 15~ marks were riding on my knowledge of very specific terminology and hierarchically outlined structure of the ethical decisions in sport because I had spent more time reviewing glycolysis and energy systems.  The afternoon pretty immediately following Program Planning I had Physical Growth and Motor Development, which people terrified my friend and I about. That the exam was hard and the final harder. That if we didn’t word things perfectly, we wouldn’t get the marks.

Yesterday, I received the 52% on my Principles of Coaching midterm. With a 75% on my research proposal, a research paper, and a final exam left, I am not too concerned — I have made similar comebacks in Intro Kinesiology with a worse midterm grade.  This morning I found out I got 59% on my Program Planning in Sport exam.

And this pushed me over the edge. I handed my exam back in, and went to my mom’s office, which I left blinking back tears that I finally let go once I was leaning against the locked metal stall in the main floor bathroom.

You can’t spell degree without a D [there is the humour for the post, which I am not feeling, by the way].  This scares me.  I am literally kissing any chance of getting into occupational therapy school goodbye each time I fail something since my GPA is currently too low regardless. [Note: I haven’t even failed anything yet and because I am getting D’s I am already in the failing mentality]. It’s not good enough, not good enough for a LOT of Master’s programs.
Unlike a lot of schools internationally, there’s no chance for exam rewrites. I know I still have a year-plus left, but the courses are not getting easier. The applied health courses I am actually good at are behind me, and I am facing the very harsh reality of not getting my GPA high enough to do what I want to, not to mention that the school I was seriously contemplating has for the last five years only admitted students with an A- average for the last year of undergrad.

Ironically, I am doing worse in the first and second year courses I am in than in the third year ones. Last term in my third-year courses I got A-s, and a B in second-year Issues in Sport.  To hold true, in contrast to the first-year Principles of Coaching and the second-year Program Planning in Sport, in the still second-year but as ranked harder by people I’ve met class?  That would be a 78% on my Physical Growth and Motor Development test.  (Which essentially saved me from just quitting school this afternoon after an afternoon of altercation with a group member for another class, the assignment of another group project in Motor Development, and all of the above ridiculousness.)  The voluntary withdrawal date is tomorrow, which means if I am getting out of Program Planning I have to make that decision fast or it is a done deal and is on my transcript forever.

I’ve always cared about school, but I’ve never simultaneously loved it so much and so much felt like I wasn’t able to handle it. Like there is too much going on academically, like I can’t pay attention well enough to all of the details, like I am doing too much because I want to do it all . . . like I am not good enough. Like I am trying my hardest and that isn’t good enough either.  In such a short period of time, I have never been so let down by so much stuff going on at school.

My friend Bobbi-Jo and I had a nice heart-to-heart outside the athletic centre today. Where we tried to let it go following class as I shivered.  Where we talked, laughed through the shit, hugged it out, and opened our hands towards the sky.

I’m still trying. Trying to decide what I am going to do.

Still trying to let go of the letdown.

4 thoughts on “letdown.

  1. Oh, goodness, Kerri, I know from not feeling good enough. You didn't ask for advice, and I'm an uppity so-and-so to offer any, but here's one piece. You mention at the very end that you're trying to decide what to do. My suggestion is to not make any long-term decisions right now if they can be postponed. The bottom of a well is a poor place to plan a future.

    I'm so sorry you're having these struggles.

    1. Hi Bob!
      The only decision that needs to be made now [by the end of tomorrow] is whether to drop the Program Planning course or not. [Tomorrow is the last day to drop without academic penalty, which is scary considering I now have to make this decision within the next 24 hours]. Dropping the course would mean starting from scratch at a later date on it, but it would mean that a potential bad final grade would not follow me through the future.

      Thanks for the comment love.

  2. Oy. Poor kid. I know what it feels like not to feel like you're good enough. I'm smart and I do well academically, but it took me until recently to figure that out because I've always been surrounded by geniuses my entire academic life. I was surrounded by geniuses in high school and I did my BA in Israel's most prestigious, most competitive psychology program. But when I was in that, all I saw was myself struggling and winding up with average grades. I graduated with an average in the 80s, which while good enough to get into other (non-psych) MA programs, pretty much blocked out my future as any sort of psychology professional. Because I was working so hard on my major, I ended up slacking on my minor (political science) and failed one class, which I had to retake and passed another with a lowly 61% (Damn classical philosophy. Passing grade was 60% btw. Oh and this grade was on my second try on the test. Sorry you don't have that.). Then I ended up quitting my MA program cuz I got frustrated with it.

    All this academic stuff was really eating at my self esteem. I only realized fairly recently how smart I am. When I tell people what I did for my BA, they are amazed and reply with "Wow. That's hard to get into, right? You must be smart." Which of course you don't realize when you're actually inside the system. And also that there are different kinds of smarts and many different ways to succeed in life. Your specific program is only one specific way. Also, I believe in you. If there's a will, there's a way, Kerri.

  3. Thanks for sharing, Elisheva :]. I just don't want to do a Bachelor's program only to end up doing another supplementary education program I could have done straight out of high school, I want something more than that, you know?

    In any regard, it is making me open up my eyes to more stuff that is out there, so that is cool.:]

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