#hawmc / health + fitness / life

coming back to coexistence – #hawmc day 14

• by kerri

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I’m having issues staying focused on the #hawmc prompts and staying connected to and enjoying what I’m writing. So, I am taking what Ashley said to heart. Because it’s not about the prompts–it’s about the story that they create and blogging every day. I’ve already missed one day, but hopefully I will stay on track for the rest of the month!

And with that, I still have to post my 12 of 12 and get to bed at a reasonable time. So, I am doing my first-ever re-post of an entry from September 14th, 2010.

I walk across the loop between the athletic centre and the main campus building. The cold fall breeze blows my hair in front of my face.  As I push it away, I look at the people around me, people I don’t know.  I then look at the people i know: my friends, my family, my classmates, my instructors, my coworkers, the kids at work.  How many of them, like me, have an invisible illness?  How many of them have an understanding of the rigorous schedules, symptoms and unrelenting attention required to manage their disease?  How many of them fight their body day in and day out and still, like me, look totally healthy on the outside despite what may be going on inside or behind-the-scenes to keep them healthy?

And I will never know.  Some of the above people share their stories with me.  Some of them choose to keep their stories silent and invisible.  And some I will never even speak to or see again.

Yet all of us, possessing an anomaly settled inside, move forward–awaiting the day where our elusive cures will come.

#hawmc / life / music

ten – #hawmc day 13

• by kerri

So I missed yesterday. Fortunately I have two “get out of post free days”, but I can’t say I used it wisely. I basically forgot about #hawmc until 11:46 pm, and it wasn’t like I didn’t spend the bulk of the day at home after getting off work. Oh well–I had a great Skype call with Jamie, Larry, Carrie Lynn and Thomas to make up for the lack of #hawmc!

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Today is ten things you can’t live without day. And I just can’t bring myself to write it. Because it could be done, but it could be cliche and/or meaningless. It could be about stupid medicine and oxygen and the bottom row of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It should be bigger than that, and I think the journey of blogging is moving beyond the material things of life and gaining perspective on life outside of what we’re currently staring in the face. About the value of people and stories and community-building. And I know the whole perspective/perception/choice/change thing is something I blog about a lot, maybe because it’s a relatively new understanding for me that came about in my physical activity: promotion and adherence class last term. I just think it’s so crazy how that one class, those two days a week, had so much impact on how I think about things, how I think about how things impact me, and my general perceptions of life and people as a whole.

So instead of ten things I “can’t” live without [because “can’t” isn’t an option, nor is it a positive perception!], keeping it on the theme of perspective AND music, here are the top 10 songs on my iTunes (by different artists), because as a person who analyzes each section of these songs deeply and finds connection in them for some reason, they likely have more influence on me than I have previously contemplated.

10. Odette – Matthew Good

This song I am sure lead to this night. It and another further down the list is one that, during the bad breathing nights and asthma burn-out periods, gets me thinking a little too deeply too late at night–too wide awake, breathless and trapped in my own thoughts because I can’t sleep. Don’t wanna be so wide awake.

I look tired but I, I feel wired, and my body hums like it’s coming undone […] don’t wanna be so wide awake, don’t wanna be so wide awake. Hey, midnight, turn on your lights. Roll out your stars.

9. Perfect Day – Hoku

This one’s just a feel-good tune and just poppy enough to make me smile.

People say, they say that it’s just a phase, they tell me to act my age . . . well I am. On this perfect day, nothing’s standing in my way, when nothing can go wrong, tomorrow’s gonna come too soon, I could stay forever as I am, on this perfect day […] I’m in the race but I already won, but getting there can be half the fun

8. Isadore – Incubus

I think I like the mystery in this one. What is not awesome about the time Erica and her Isadore climbed aboard a balloon? It also has great guitar. But really: the mystery.

You can’t just leave, I’ve given everything. I can’t bear to leave, you’ve taken everything, you’re taking everything. It’s not who you were, it’s who you are, and we’ve come this far lover. No, I won’t rest until the world knows the name Isadore. […] Goodbye Erica, now I see, that my worst fears were in tune.

7. Drive – Ed Kowalczyk

The redemptive power of Jesus in a pretty typical Christian-rock way, but by one of my favourite artists, Ed Kowalczyk. I was already into Live prior to hearing Ed’s solo stuff, but the questioning organized religion and questioning God thing was really, really honest feeling to me based on my current perceptions on faith/dislike of religion/journey with God. While I feel like ALIVE [Ed’s solo album] was a weaker release than the Live stuff, I’ve learned to appreciate that they are separate entities. This song, as well as Grace, Soul Whispers and Rome still hit me hard in that they breathe the message of redemption into the music but without being, you know, preachy about it. I don’t do preachy music (or people) well.

Headed out into my desert, all alone and thirsty for something more […] probability of a victory’s over, would You mind if i put this on Your shoulder? i need something more! here i am, standing inside Your love, like a child falling asleep at the wheel of my life, and letting You drive. […] You’re the only One who can save me!

6. Square State Syndrome – Farewell Fighter

This one is the victory tune in the recovery phase from when Odette by Matthew Good becomes a playlist staple. It’s for when I can release what’s holding me back, when the shit stops weighing me down, when I can breathe again . . . physically and metaphorically.

And I stopped right there, not just to catch my breath but to gasp for air […] if you’re keeping score, this is a victory. i can finally breathe, i can finally sleep at night. […]

5. Daydreamer – Dr. Noise

I like a good heavy tune. I like some screaming, awesome guitar, and well-fitted drums. And this Dr. Noise tune hits it on the mark.

As the dream world fades, revelations made, reality enters once again. […] but something’s haunting me bittersweet reality.

4. Sunshine Escapade – Tess Dunn

This is one of the earlier recordings on Tess Dunn’s Youtube (not sure it’s even still up) that I swiped with vid to mp3 [Tess, I promise if there’s ever a studio recording I will buy it!], and it’s about Ari Shine, another very cool artist that I came to know of through Tess.  Tess and Ari both have cystic fibrosis, and this song is a powerful representation of the bond that chronic disease can bring between two people who share other common interests–something I have experienced myself in huge ways.

I just want to believe you when you say we’ll have a way soon, cause soon seems too far away for me […] when i am all alone, when i need you most, and you never turned me away despite what they have to say, and that’s why you’re becoming my sunshine, you may not fit the stereo[type] but why should i care? […] i’m beginning to think i’ll be okay, so promise me you’ll never change

3. Past Praying For – VersaEmerge

This is the tune that got me into VersaEmerge. I may be the only one who thinks of it this way, but we are in reality, all past praying for, and it is only in Jesus that we are redeemed. And sometimes, in spite of it all, sometimes I do think I’m too far gone still and why would God bother to redesign me. Questions unanswered, but, there has to be some reason that this song echoes with me so much. I ignore God, I float through days without paying Him a second thought, and even though I am working at this, sometimes I truly feel I am totally past praying for . . . but He redeems me in spite of my doubts and ignites my faith again when He writes it into my journey.

Always kept quiet, clenching my teeth, finally, fighting the floor, raise me from my bones once more. […] I wouldn’t want to wake you from yourself, doesn’t sit in your stomach just quite right. […] crawling around me, sleepless. In the wake I’ll be just like the rest, tell the sun don’t fall so we’ll never forget […] in the wake I’ll be just like the rest, past praying for.

2. Watch the Sky – Something Corporate

Once again, this is a getting-through-the-long-asthma-nights tune. I am fortunate I don’t have these nights often, as if I did my resonating tracks would have to be longer than two songs. The piano in this song is such an awesome driving force, and also could potentially speak to the redemption factor . . . and persistence.  There are bad days with any chronic disease. There is guilt that we didn’t make the right choices or did something to throw our control out of whack. And . . . there are good days where we know we can do this.

And then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I’m home. And I’ve been up for days, i finally lost my mind and then i lost my way, i’m blistered but i’m better […] i will crawl, there’s things that aren’t worth giving up i know, but i won’t let this get me, i will fight, you live the life you’re given with the storms outside, some days all i do is watch the sky […] this guilt feels so familiar and i’m home […] i think i, i could use a little break, but today was a good day. and it’s a deep sea in which i’m floating, still i seem to think that i must crawl.

1. Delight in Me – Addison Road

The number one most played song on my iTunes is one that is purely a worship song about God’s healing, His redemption and His love. The way I’ve been feeling lately in my faith journey, it surprises me that this is still at the top, but it really holds true to the permanence of God, that He truly never lets go no matter how far we try to run away from His open arms, that no matter what, He loves us.

i’m down here, pick me up. i’m lost, You found me. […] You forgive, I remember […] You delight in me ’cause i am precious to You. You delight in me ’cause, oh You love me. and when i’m low and i feel so useless, i’ll remember Your promise to me.

There. The top ten. And, you know, the rambly bit above.

#hawmc / advocacy / health + fitness / life / quotes

quotation inspiration – #hawmc day 2

• by kerri

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As irony would have it, I connected with Catherine from A Diabetic Ballerina again yesterday–she retweeted my #hawmc post right after my mom e-mailed me that she had printed the tagline from Catherine’s blog and put it on her wall at work after reading it in my e-mail signature. So good. Today, being quotation inspiration day, and Mirror Mantra Monday (hi Mike!), in searching for a quote, I decided what better to use than one of my ultimate favourites–one belonging to Catherine! Canadians unite!

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There are so many Good Things here on so many levels. Here goes.

We are here to have impact. We are here to change ourselves . . . and in turn, live with the hope that we will change the world one person at a time. Run at life full force, whether that is a physical run or a metaphorical run. Go at it. Get it. And don’t let it get away.

Movement is something that has become increasingly important to me over the last few years. “Love is a movement.” [–Switchfoot].  Connection is a movement, a daring to step beyond our own personal bubbles that far too many people seem completely okay being smothered inside.  Movement is spreading our metaphorical wings to experience what we never dreamed we would become or become capable of.  Movement is that desire to own your life. And if you, like me, and like Catherine, live with a chronic disease . . . then owning your disease is a huge part of owning your life. Owning the choices you make.  Each choice is a decision to move, and each decision to move is a choice . . . it can be cyclical.  Whether it is cyclical for the better, or the worse is a choice . . . and I hope to see the cycle, the ripple effect, be for the better.

The most literal form of the word is the one that has gained the most importance to me personally on in the last year. The movement that I choose to make physically, and the movement I hope to instil in others. And the sharing, the rippling, of this type of movement in our world. Physical activity and exercise . . . it is a choice, and it too, is cyclical. There is no such thing as can’t, and each step forward, each movement, is an impact on health and wellbeing for the better.  The movement in my classes to create a movement towards movement. The movement of the kids at work as they experience something new that they are capable of, something that they are able to accomplish while improving their health and having fun. The movement of changing the thoughts from negative to positive, and still underscoring fun.

The movement of dance–the movement of my body connected with my spirit, emotions, environment all moving, melting into one moment, one movement.

The movement to change. To reach out to touch people through whatever means possible.  Making an impact on our world. Stepping beyond the invisible comfort zone. Living in each moment in movement, not in stillness, in loudness, not in silence, in passion, not in regret.  So that when we’re dead . . . they’ll know we’ve been here.

Own it. And GO. Move.

#hawmc / advocacy / asthma / badassmatics / health + fitness / life / wellness

health time capsule – #hawmc day 1

• by kerri

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For April 2012, I’m taking another shot at completing the wegoHealth Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Like BEDA, or Blog EveryDay April, the aim of #HAWMC is to complete thirty health-related blog posts in thirty days. With finals and a road trip, it’ll be a tough go, but I’m going to once again try giving it my best shot . . . And hopefully complete it this time!

Health Time Capsule: Pretend you’re making a time capsule of you and your health focus that won’t be opened until 2112. What’s in it? What would people think when they found it?

Twitter – My Twitter account, as it stands now, is very health-focused, but also very diverse. Because I have asthma, I obviously follow many people with asthma [but not as many as I’d think considering 10% of Canadians have asthma]. I’d say I might even follow more people with diabetes, type one, type two, or LADA, than I do people without diabetes. I follow people with cystic fibrosis, people who have or care for people with severe food allergies, fitness and nutrition bloggers, physical activity and health organizations, people with a host of other chronic diseases such as Crohn’s and lupus, the list goes on and on.  And of course, I follow a bunch of accounts that have nothing to do with health at all.

School – I often forget to really appreciate all that university has done to amplify my focus in regard to health knowledge and current topics in health. My favourite courses thus far have been Physical Activity: Promotion and Adherence, Issues in Health and Adapted Physical Activity, because of the desire to encourage and implement positive health-related behaviours to as many people and special populations as possible. My focus thus far is always chronic disease or disability and physical activity, from a physiological, psychological and sociological perspective, so many of my courses have been able to tie into that passion.

Asthma – The first Ventolin inhaler, the one that started it all. The huge Mini-Wright Peak Flow Meter I got about a year after being diagnosed would have to be included, because it’s so ugly. I then moved forward to a little green TruZone meter and since then, a digital. The first beat-up AeroChamber. The nebulizer. And of course, the bottle from my first course of prednisone.  The chronicles of the constant inhaler switches and doctors visits in my first few years with asthma. Conversation snippets from friends far away, like Natasha, Elisheva, Steveand many more, and pictures of meeting my friend Rona in Chicago who I met through the (smallish) Twitter asthma community and has been a huge supporter for many years. A shot of the Second Cup where Dia [who not only is a badassmatic, but a kinesiologist working in adapted physical activity] and I met in Real Life for the first time. Amazing people who I never would have met if I didn’t have to live with chronic disease.

Exercise – In this I would have to include many conversations with Steve above on how to figure out making the exercise/asthma thing work. Steve has been a huge supporter of mine over the years since my asthma diagnosis [hello, the man finished multiple Boston Marathons on far less than half his lungs. So badass]. I’d throw in the first pair of Saucony shoes that made me a convert. An UnderArmour shirt which made me a convert to the tech-shirt side permanently. The encouragement of so many amazing people on Twitter.  The discussions on exercise and chronic disease via e-mail with Jay–along with his constant motivation to focus on the Good Things. And of course, my Team Asthma.ca t-shirt and the support of the Asthma Society of Canada in my crazy projects [like the TeamAsthma-based Intervention Project for Promotion and Adherence] and endeavours in advocacy through physical activity.  My motivational dailymile friends. And finally, my Fitbit, which makes me increasingly intentional about my physical-activity choices throughout the day. Because the truth is, if I didn’t have asthma, I wouldn’t have met Steve, and I’d still probably be sitting on my ass :].

Perspective – The blog posts and journal entries that encapsulate transformation in my own thinking and attitude towards living with chronic disease. Because in this journey, it all comes down to choice, and the road that it took to get me to the place where I realized that it came down to my thoughts.  With this, finally, I would enclose my personal mantra:

Perspective is crucial, positivity is essential, and ignorance is a curable disease.

health + fitness / life / wellness

moving forward.

• by kerri

Hello, exercise, I am back. Nothing like a lapse to make you really appreciate moving forward.

I would like to mention that this lapse was not a simple I-don’t-want-to-exercise lapse. It was an injury-induced rehabilitation-esque lapse, thanks to some sort of patellar tendon injury, or something of that nature.  Really the lapse started before the injury. I may not rock at nutrition, but I was doing better than, say, last year, prior to the lapse. And the journalling? I derailed on that for over two weeks. This is why Lent is not my thing. Add that this is the last Sunday before Easter and I am choosing to sleep instead of go to church. With the excuse that it is too complicated to figure out rides and it has been a long week and I would rather sleep. Honestly, I can’t seem to stick with anything anymore.

[This is Resistance, people.]

Now that I’ve finished making myself sound like a bad person who doesn’t care about anything, what am I doing about it?

  • The stir-fry thing today was a Good Thing as far as restaurant choices go. Could be worse, yes?
  • I went to the stir-fry place with my friend Jess who I have not seen for a long time. So awesome.
  • I did an hour on the trampoline today, plus ~3K walking. This needs to stick around.
  • I am done tutoring, and have wrapped up the 22-hour-work-week-while-going-to-school. Classes are [mostly] done. Good time to begin the journey again? Yes. Always a good time.
  • Paying closer attention to the Fitbit. 
    • My Fitbit friends Mike, Mike and Ashley are good motivators. [Are you on Fitbit? Add me as a friend!] I have yet to do a full post on the Fitbit, but the best thing about it is that it logs ALL of my physical activity, not just exercise. And everything adds up!
  • I am aware of the journalling issue. And I am changing the pattern.
  • Focusing on the Good Things.

Last night, when I re-opened the journal and realized the lapse I took off. In part:

it is not bad

but i am not balanced

cause i just woke / to eat some chocolate / and go straight back / i’ll go straight back to bed / where’s my head?

[where’s my head?, copeland]

body. heart. mind. spirit.

mind strong / body strong / try to find / equillibrium

[sound of winter, bush]

i.can.do.better.


I can do better.

change stops in your mind, leave the past behind, forget everything you know

make a change, let go. […]

stay on top if they let you. ’cause the change is permanent.

[fear, creed]

So, once again, going in to April, it is time to awaken.

Go.