A year ago today

I surfaced at work after being gone for over a week because I couldn’t move. I’d been getting sicker and sicker for months and I couldn’t keep up anymore.

I went back to school to start Spring term, and right before class got a call from my doctor’s office telling me I needed to go to the ER because my hemoglobin was 54.

Today marks a year since my first blood transfusion of 2013—three units from amazing donors that kept me alive, to be followed by another seven in the next four months.

it’s been a bombs and guns and fire kind of season
oh, i need a reason for all of my bleeding tonight.
i’m going to break it out, i’m going to make a scene if i’m right

Day before I got sent to the ER. Note that there’s basically no colour in my face/lips. [I felt like I had energy, but in reality my body probably had just adjusted to being super depleted of hemoglobin that I was able to sit up again.]

A year ago yesterday.

 

World Asthma Day 2013 [May 7th] 365 days ago today.

About 36 hours later, after three units of blood and a bunch of saline.

(And the friggen Lasix. I still don’t understand this combination of saline and Lasix.)

Yesterday.

let the revival rattle me
and open my eyes
it’s so good.
revival, the rocket summer

And today—365 days later.

World Asthma Day 2014. Wearing the same t-shirt I got my mom to bring to the hospital before heading to work early in the morning.

Donald, Mike, Sam and I gave out over a hundred Asthma Society of Canada resources for World Asthma Day.

…Then went to Wal-Mart with the intention of playing Marco Polo. Because that’s badass, right?

I thought about where I was this time last year today—purposefully at some times, fleetingly at others.

Thankful that it won’t be every year that these two days are the same day so I can reflect on each for its own reason. Thankful for the people who choose to spend their time with me—the people who stick by me.

Simply: thankful I’m still alive.

Hello, exercise, I am back. Nothing like a lapse to make you really appreciate moving forward.

I would like to mention that this lapse was not a simple I-don’t-want-to-exercise lapse. It was an injury-induced rehabilitation-esque lapse, thanks to some sort of patellar tendon injury, or something of that nature.  Really the lapse started before the injury. I may not rock at nutrition, but I was doing better than, say, last year, prior to the lapse. And the journalling? I derailed on that for over two weeks. This is why Lent is not my thing. Add that this is the last Sunday before Easter and I am choosing to sleep instead of go to church. With the excuse that it is too complicated to figure out rides and it has been a long week and I would rather sleep. Honestly, I can’t seem to stick with anything anymore.

[This is Resistance, people.]

Now that I’ve finished making myself sound like a bad person who doesn’t care about anything, what am I doing about it?

  • The stir-fry thing today was a Good Thing as far as restaurant choices go. Could be worse, yes?
  • I went to the stir-fry place with my friend Jess who I have not seen for a long time. So awesome.
  • I did an hour on the trampoline today, plus ~3K walking. This needs to stick around.
  • I am done tutoring, and have wrapped up the 22-hour-work-week-while-going-to-school. Classes are [mostly] done. Good time to begin the journey again? Yes. Always a good time.
  • Paying closer attention to the Fitbit. 
    • My Fitbit friends Mike, Mike and Ashley are good motivators. [Are you on Fitbit? Add me as a friend!] I have yet to do a full post on the Fitbit, but the best thing about it is that it logs ALL of my physical activity, not just exercise. And everything adds up!
  • I am aware of the journalling issue. And I am changing the pattern.
  • Focusing on the Good Things.

Last night, when I re-opened the journal and realized the lapse I took off. In part:

it is not bad

but i am not balanced

cause i just woke / to eat some chocolate / and go straight back / i’ll go straight back to bed / where’s my head?

[where’s my head?, copeland]

body. heart. mind. spirit.

mind strong / body strong / try to find / equillibrium

[sound of winter, bush]

i.can.do.better.


I can do better.

change stops in your mind, leave the past behind, forget everything you know

make a change, let go. […]

stay on top if they let you. ’cause the change is permanent.

[fear, creed]

So, once again, going in to April, it is time to awaken.

Go.

I’ve started journalling again. It’s my Lent Thing this year, I think. Not that I have any serious attachments to Lent or whatever, as I am 1) not Catholic, and 2) not uber traditional, and 3) not a huge fan of the “religion” thing and 4) feeling a little more divided than usual from all my typical pondering on what it means to be a Christian, but since it kind of happened simultaneously, I think it’s a good time to be intentional about these kinds of choices.

The journalling thing was a bit of a production. The thing is, since I was like ten when I started journalling, I’ve always just used scraggly kicking-around notebooks. Apologies to anybody who bought me a diary with a lock and a pretty front at any point in my life, because they just don’t work for me. I rock the Dollarama-Notebook or the 40-Page-4-Pack-Notebook or, in the case of the notebook I pulled out yesterday, the Black-Dollarama-Notebook-That-Has-Been-Kicking-Around-My-Room-For-Over-A-Year-And-Is-Beat-Up-Before-I-Even-Started-Writing-In-It.  These are the kinds of notebooks I use, and I have no idea why.  Even when I was searching out a notebook in my abyss of a bedroom on Wednesday, I found some really nice notebooks. Like glittery flowery butterfly-y ones, but I couldn’t justify using them to journal in.

I have no idea, honestly.

The thing is, I think that this simple action has set me up for what was coming today.

First, I will start by saying that I am twenty years old and I have a financial planner.  So because of this financial planner business, I get e-mails all the time from his Events Manager [I forget her actual title] inviting me to things like free IMAX with free popcorn in exchange for attending a seminar about retirement.  These, despite the free popcorn, are the kinds of things I opt out of seeing as I have only actually had a job for two years and therefore have another at least twenty five, and a whole lot of school, to go before I retire. [I am toying with the idea of amping up my 3-year kinesiology degree to a 4-year, because this seems like a good idea, except more difficult and will take me another year to get through, at least].  So maybe considering I will be in school for the foreseeable future, it is a good thing I have this financial planner guy on my side.  He is a triathlete, so once I found that out I thought he was pretty awesome. Like “Hey, this is a guy I can trust with my money.” [I didn’t actually think that, but I mean, triathletes have to save money to maintain their bikes and buy running shoes and swim gear and consume GU and enter Ironmans and travel to Ironmans right? Anyway, triathletes are awesome.]

It turns out he has a Life Coaching-esque business on the side, and he hosted a Wellness Symposium today. Granted, if I didn’t have the background that I do, I would have had no idea that wellness is the holistic meshing of a variety of domains of health: physical, social, emotional, spiritual, environmental, occupational, because this was not explained at the symposium. So when I got the e-vite to this thing, I got my friend Tara on board and we decided to go on the notion that there might be free fruit, and there was (also my mom came too).

What does my obsession with not-pretty-notebooks have to do with this?

To summate my 2012 goals, I think this is what it is: it comes down to being intentional.  For setting myself up for success.  Over the next 40 days, my life is going to fill that notebook. The good, the bad, the questions, the decisions, the goals, the process. It’s the coming together of the choice to be intentional about what I am doing.  It’s something I feel that I need to be more focused in, and if I’ve been doing the journaling bit since I was ten [sporadically, I might admit], then it’s gotta be of some sort of therapeutic value in my life, even if subconsciously. It’s gotten me through a lot.

It’s an intentional call to be still in the midst of the chaos that is life and actually experience it for what it IS, and hopefully not what it could be. [That is another focus for another night, the being in the moment stuff. Because I am apparently becoming all wrapped up in psychology for a kinesiology major.]

It’s not about the ending, it’s about the story.

It’s about trusting the process.

To begin, I preface this with a warning that I am going to probably use the word bullshit with some frequency in this post.  Because there’s not another word quite like it.  [Also, why is it bullshit and not dogshit or monkeyshit?  Also, why is it that spell check says that bullshit is correct, but I get red squiggles under dogshit and monkeyshit?]

The latest book I read was My Choice, My Life: Realizing Your Ability to Create Balance in Life by Jay M. Greenfeld.  That’s right, the same Jay that teaches me Physical Activity: Promotion and Adherence.  That dude motivates me so much in class I figured I needed to buy his book to continue the process come December.  Looking beyond the title (which though true, I admit, is kind of cheesy, but it’s a thousand times better than the titles of a variety of self-help books noted later).  Also, it starts off with a Monopoly analogy that carries through the book–I freaking love Monopoly, so this worked well for me.  It’s packed full of tangible tips and discussion within a fact-based but easy-to-read format.  They’re also written in a similar style to how he talks, which is epic [except class is more hilarious. Books are business and such].   Since finishing it yesterday, I started on the venture to find a new book to read.

I find it ironic that as I’m forced to read non-fiction all school year, that since starting second year my book choices have gravitated from fiction to non-fiction for the most part.  I started off reading stuff like Blue Like Jazz and have a bunch of other half-finished Christian books on the go, which will likely never get finished as they sometimes have the tendency to piss me off or lose me mid-book.  This is likely in similar vein to how I dropped Exploring the Bible and Religion and Pop Culture early on in the big picture of the course.  Like, Jesus, I love You, Dude, but Your followers can be a little intense.  After abandoning True Religion for the second time [which is actually pretty good] and never finishing Crazy Love, I then moved on to Fred Engh’s Why Johnny Hates Sports — if you’re in any way responsible for a child’s involvement in sport or physical activity, it’s awesome and I definitely recommend it.

So between that, The War of Art and Bethany Hamilton’s Soul Surfer, those are basically the latest non-school related books I’ve read.

The hunt for new books often finds me on Amazon, but I may morph out to The Book Depository to see what they have to offer [hello, FREE SHIPPING].  I’m hooked on this whole “own the behaviour and change it” thing.  Because it applies to freaking everything.  it has me perusing the Health & Fitness and Self-Help sections on Amazon.

Seriously?  The bulk of Self-Help titles are bullshit.  Self-Help in itself is probably the farthest thing from bullshit.  What’s bullshit about wanting to improve yourself, better yourself, grow deeper in things?  Nothing at all.

The fact that Self Help books are so lame for the most part, though?  That’s total bullshit.

Self-Help is beyond everything with the word “diet” in the title, or with buff men on the cover.  It’s beyond anything involving weight loss and anything within a timeframe.  Change has no timeframe and no end-point.  It’s beyond a book on a single domain of health, like is commonly done with books on spirituality like The Power of Now or emotional wellbeing such as Emotional Intelligence 2.0.  No, adding 2.0 to a title doesn’t make it any cooler, I think it actually makes it lamer.  It’s beyond the notion that a book on a type of therapy can be therapy, beyond authors think a book or even a workbook that they’ve written can be your therapist.

Sorry, my blank-lined, empty-paged notebook is my therapist.  It’s good enough for me.  If I ever find the need for a real therapist, i’m sure I’d be talking to a person and not reading a book. [Actually, I think we all need therapy, but that’s sort of unattainable, and a topic for another day].

Self-Help is about empowerment.  About you changing you. If applicable, maybe it’s change using concepts and ideas written in a book.  By writing a book, the author is not automatically changing you.  The majority of the time, the author of a book writes within his or her area of expertise, and so they should.  But as a person, you are more than one dimension.  We’re beautiful and broken, and a beautiful and broken mess of physical, emotional, social and spiritual beings.  We’re surrounded by different things [environment] and we do different things [occupation].  We all have different perceptions on each of these things, and while books can help us figure out where we’re at or where our beliefs lie . . . our beliefs should not come from a book.  You changing you is so not bullshit.

It’s beyond your body, beyond your emotions, your spirituality or religion, beyond your environment and beyond your social network.  It’s the intermingling of all of the above that makes a truly effective basis for change.

A road map is fine.  But road maps still mean that you take the journey yourself, choose where you’re going, and choose which turns to take or where to deviate from the directed plan.  Books, and dare I say education are the same.  The information is given to you.  What you do with it when you close the book is up to you.