*lithium, nirvana

did you give it up, did you give it up, did you give it up?

heard a lot of talk about the ocean / heard a lot of talk about the sea, now / heard a lot of talk about a lot of things /  never meant that much to me. / heard a lot of talk about my spirit. / heard a lot of talk about my soul. / but i decided that anxiety and pain were better friends / so i let it go . . .

did you let it go, love? / did you let it go, lover? / did you let it go, my friend? / let’s get it back, let’s get it back together, yeah.

heard a lot of talk about this Jesus. / a man of love, and a man of strength / but what He meant was two thousand years ago / means nothing at all to me today. / He could have been telling me about my higher self / but He only lives inside my prayer / so what He was may have been beautiful / but the pain is right now and right here.

operation spirit (the tyranny of tradition), live



yeah i found God and He was absolutely nothing like me […] i couldn’t take it anymore so i went back to the sea. cause that’s where fishes go when fishes get the sense to flee. / where you going now? what’s your plan?

yeah i found God, and He was absolutely just like me […] He opened my mouth, looked down my throat, told me i was thirsty / He said “i been, i been, i been, been in this water all my life, never took the time to breathe. breathe. breathe.

what you doing in this darkness, baby? when you know that Love will set you free? would you stay in this sea forever / try a little on eternity? / what ya doing in this darkness baby? looking down where the sun don’t shine. […] come on out into the light of love, child, don’t spend another day living in the sea.

where fishes go, live


a light to free me from my burden, and grant me life eternally / should have been dead on a sunday morning, banging my head. / no time for mourning, ain’t got no time.

my own prison, creed


its funny how silence speaks sometimes when you’re alone / and remember that you feel. / again i stand. Lord I stand, against the faceless man.

cause if the face inside can’t see the light i know, i have to walk alone. and if I walk alone to the other side i know, i might not make it home. / again i stand, Lord God i stand, against the faceless man.

the faceless man, creed

I want more of You, and less of the religion shit.

I’ve been to church once in the last six months, and to be totally honest, it didn’t do all that much for me. i’ve been stuck in this place for almost a year. And the reality is, I don’t know when that’s going to change. I used to become frustrated about spiritual passivity, spiritual apathy, in myself and other followers of Christ.

And now, I have been in that rut so long myself.

Thinking. Contemplating. Trying to act.

Refusing to move.

Refusing to listen.

my ears were clogged and it was so quiet.

are you alone?, fireflight


I realize this. And I do not know how to move.

I question so much, every day. I question why people act the way they do; why I act the way I do. I question what lead a person to be where they are at. I question why people who believe that Jesus changed everything; why people who say they fully believe in love waste so much time in hate.

quit playing religion games: there’s blood on your hands.

instead of a show, jon foreman

Why we judge each other: we all do; why we just shake our heads and walk away; why we do not even think about what is going on in our worlds anymore. Why we let life slip through our hands like sand and do not take a moment to realize what the potential holds for each moment as it sifts through our fingers.

I question my own choices. I question my thought process. I question in retrospect why I just walk away from a situation that I am not okay with instead of contemplating what I could do to change that situation or change my thoughts on that situation. That thought. That belief.

That dissonance.


Why I do not care to change myself, yet crave this change. Why I do not know how to change myself. Why I drift further into this cyclic pattern. Why I have these thoughts day after day — why they have reached the point of no longer being questions, just passivities.  Why I cannot just grab on to You. Why I cannot own my desires to become intentional in every aspect of my being.


I succumb further to apathy.

Yet I feel apathetic towards even this.

I’ve received some good advice on the topic of failure, probably for the best that I received this advice prior to actually accomplishing my first university failure. Unofficial anatomy marks went up last week, and realistically, not even a curve can save me–I got an F.

The word failure, though, to me implies that I didn’t try my best. That I didn’t work hard and that I didn’t engage as deeply as I could. That I didn’t work for it. And I worked for it. I worked for the 37% that I got.  I did two tutoring sessions a week for a month. I did hours of revision and notes. I consumed a ton of iced coffee [caffeine doesn’t do much for me, so this was purely to add some joy to the agony within the form of a venti iced white mocha].

And fortunately, as it always seems to cycle back to all of Jay’s words in Physical Activity: Promotion and Adherence: I am more than my grades, and my grades do not define who I am as a person. And at least I know 37% more for when I re-engage in the journey of anatomy for September.

Experience is what you get, when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Experience. I got it.

On the 12th of each month, a bunch of bloggers from around the world take 12 pictures throughout their day and blog them. Here are my pictures from March 12th, 2012!


9:37 am – bedroom. Yeah, honestly. Now, where’s my backpack at?


12:54 pm – kitchen. Forgot to take any pictures at school, but canned pumpkin is far more exciting. Also it looks gross. Also it got turned into something delicious.


1:25 pm – kitchen. One of my best friends, Donald, making hot chocolate from scratch.


1:41 pm – kitchen. Baking is done and we didn’t even burn anything down!


1:46 pm – kitchen. Hot chocolate is done now too!  So. Good.


1:56 pm -kitchen. Not as good as it sounds.


2:13 pm – kitchen. Pumpkin Pie Brownie from Chocolate Covered Katie!  Better than it looks. And moderately healthy, too! We even subbed the oil for apple sauce.


4:06 pm – work. Got called in to work after school because my coworker Jess is sick and Other Kerry [which is what I call her; also known as “Kerry-with-a-Y” and just “Kerry” whereas I get called “Little Kerri”] is in Mexico!  Played NHL Monopoly for an hour . . . my job is hard.


4:26 pm – work. I owned the Flames for a bit [I traded them], and the Leafs [the second best property, ironically. Yes, I do love them.] for the whole game.


5:39 pm – work. We have lots of candy and candy canes at work.


8:40 pm – bathroom. My friend Mike does Mirror Mantras every Monday to fuel him through the week, which I have always loved. So this week, I decided to join in!  I figured my mom was going to take it down as soon as she went into the bathroom, but she actually liked it!


11:39 pm – kitchen. I have two presentations tomorrow – one on the overhand throw [honestly], and one is group teaching 6 and 7 year olds [aka our classmates pretending to be 6+7 year olds] to dribble a basketball.  We are playing a music game, so I did some fun GarageBand stuff for one of the games in our lesson!  [Kin win? I think so]

12 of 12 was created by Chad Darnell, and is now being hosted here!

change your thoughts and you change your world

–norman vincent peale

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, even before this quote came into my life.

We define our own variables, our own thoughts, our own worlds.

We have the power to choose how we think about things in our lives, whether those things are positive or negative.  We have the chose to determine whether we are going to be broken down by these things, these circumstances, or if we are going to use them to build ourselves up, and perhaps in turn, use the change in ourselves to build the people around us up.

We can choose to reach farther and climb over the obstacles, or we can choose to freeze in a wave of self-doubt and be stopped by them.  There is no limit to how long we could stay frozen, but any length of time is keeping us from truly experiencing what we were created to do, and wasting precious moments of which we will never have enough.  How we see our world is nobody’s choice but our own, and because of this we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.  Every single decision we make and every goal we strive to reach, whether it seems small or seems big, affects us in a huge way.

the ripple effect is too good not to mention / if you’re not affected, you’re not paying attention / it’s too good not to have an effect

–rogues, incubus

We have the choice to change our thoughts to change our worlds.

Don’t compromise. Go get it.

I love good quotes.  I’m sure in some sort of way this stems from my fifth-grade self and my obsession with the Amazing Days of Abby Hayes books (related: I basically wanted to be her with her awesome purple pens and purple journal notebook and quotes and writing all the time. Okay aside from being a fictional character with a purple pen and notebook, I was totally all over the rest of that statement).  Basically, even when my writing all the time phase died out (I go through phases; getting back into that), the whole massive love for epic snippets other people’s writing stayed with me, making my Tumblr full of quotes and my Facebook Philosophy quotes section rather long!

I love Mike‘s Mirror Mantras, but could never remember to change my quote weekly when I tried.  So in a sort of similar fashion, I load my whiteboard up with these, and update as needed:

Got some unknowns, some Foo Fighters (I’m obsessed with song lyrics and totally have been since I was like nine), some Jay, some Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman and some stuff from my own brain pulling me through!