I might have lost it in Physical Growth and Motor Development today if things didn’t start turning around.  It’s only Tuesday and I need this week to be over.

Those of you following me on twitter may recall the week prior to reading week I had three exams in twenty-eight hours. I started studying early, because the pressure was on. Lead-up to exams was stressful, not to mention I arrived at my Program Planning in Sport exam with mere minutes to spare after missing my bus and my mom coming to pick me up and the whole relaxation-exercise-in-the-car thing. I took all of the allotted time, and thought it went okay.  Principles of Coaching was much the same, though I left pissed off that 15~ marks were riding on my knowledge of very specific terminology and hierarchically outlined structure of the ethical decisions in sport because I had spent more time reviewing glycolysis and energy systems.  The afternoon pretty immediately following Program Planning I had Physical Growth and Motor Development, which people terrified my friend and I about. That the exam was hard and the final harder. That if we didn’t word things perfectly, we wouldn’t get the marks.

Yesterday, I received the 52% on my Principles of Coaching midterm. With a 75% on my research proposal, a research paper, and a final exam left, I am not too concerned — I have made similar comebacks in Intro Kinesiology with a worse midterm grade.  This morning I found out I got 59% on my Program Planning in Sport exam.

And this pushed me over the edge. I handed my exam back in, and went to my mom’s office, which I left blinking back tears that I finally let go once I was leaning against the locked metal stall in the main floor bathroom.

You can’t spell degree without a D [there is the humour for the post, which I am not feeling, by the way].  This scares me.  I am literally kissing any chance of getting into occupational therapy school goodbye each time I fail something since my GPA is currently too low regardless. [Note: I haven’t even failed anything yet and because I am getting D’s I am already in the failing mentality]. It’s not good enough, not good enough for a LOT of Master’s programs.
Unlike a lot of schools internationally, there’s no chance for exam rewrites. I know I still have a year-plus left, but the courses are not getting easier. The applied health courses I am actually good at are behind me, and I am facing the very harsh reality of not getting my GPA high enough to do what I want to, not to mention that the school I was seriously contemplating has for the last five years only admitted students with an A- average for the last year of undergrad.

Ironically, I am doing worse in the first and second year courses I am in than in the third year ones. Last term in my third-year courses I got A-s, and a B in second-year Issues in Sport.  To hold true, in contrast to the first-year Principles of Coaching and the second-year Program Planning in Sport, in the still second-year but as ranked harder by people I’ve met class?  That would be a 78% on my Physical Growth and Motor Development test.  (Which essentially saved me from just quitting school this afternoon after an afternoon of altercation with a group member for another class, the assignment of another group project in Motor Development, and all of the above ridiculousness.)  The voluntary withdrawal date is tomorrow, which means if I am getting out of Program Planning I have to make that decision fast or it is a done deal and is on my transcript forever.

I’ve always cared about school, but I’ve never simultaneously loved it so much and so much felt like I wasn’t able to handle it. Like there is too much going on academically, like I can’t pay attention well enough to all of the details, like I am doing too much because I want to do it all . . . like I am not good enough. Like I am trying my hardest and that isn’t good enough either.  In such a short period of time, I have never been so let down by so much stuff going on at school.

My friend Bobbi-Jo and I had a nice heart-to-heart outside the athletic centre today. Where we tried to let it go following class as I shivered.  Where we talked, laughed through the shit, hugged it out, and opened our hands towards the sky.

I’m still trying. Trying to decide what I am going to do.

Still trying to let go of the letdown.

On the 12th of each month, a bunch of bloggers from around the world take 12 pictures of their day and blog them.  Here are my pictures for February 12th, 2012!

12 of 12 - february '12

8:50 am – church. Yeah, we currently have a giant Rubiks Cube [each edge is six feet] hanging in church to accompany the IT’S COMPLICATED series we just began. It’s pretty awesome.

12 of 12 - february '12

10:05 am – church. Between services, scouting out the recycling bin for my Starbucks cup. [My friend forgot the non-fat, no-whip bit, but I love her anyway :)].

12 of 12 - february '12

12:24 pm – church. Who did you meet this week?  Snapped a picture of this after taking care of the 3 + 4 year olds :].

12 of 12 - february '12

3:13 pm – kitchen at home. I hung out with my cousin, Dean, yesterday and we went to our grandparents’ for dinner. We brought dessert, except my grandma made PUMPKIN PIE, so we had leftovers. So I got to bring dessert home.

12 of 12 - february '12

4:48 pm – kitchen. Final exam schedule for the term. Is it over yet?  Midterm madness tomorrow and Tuesday, so really it is only just beginning.

12 of 12 - february '12

4:57 pm – kitchen. Energy systems anybody?  This stuff is all on my Principles of Coaching exam tomorrow. I am kind of scared, but not nearly as scared as I am for my Physical Growth and Motor Development midterm on Tuesday.

12 of 12 - february '12

6:03 pm – kitchen. Pizza for dinner. It involved various coupons and my mom and I having to go in separately to pick up two pizzas.  Also I ran into a guy who graduated high school a year before me and is dating somebody I graduated with, so we got to make small-talk. That’s always fun.

12 of 12 february '12

6:34 pm – kitchen. Probably the most ridiculous BBM conversation I have ever had. And perhaps the most ridiculous conversation I have had with Dean [and trust me, that says a lot].

12 of 12 - february '12

6:48 pm – kitchen. Charging my fitbit for the week or however long this thing lasts. Love it.

12 of 12 - february '12

9:33 pm – kitchen. Currently reading Matthew Good’s book. It’s so weird. I thought it was going to be like a memoir or whatever, but it’s basically a bunch of short stories and/or he is teaching you to fake multiple personality disorder or become an anti-nausea med addict.  Probably fictionally, but since I will never try I will never know.

12 of 12 - february '12

10:29 pm – kitchen. Yes, I feel like I haven’t left my kitchen all day.  Also I’ve been eating these cookies off and on all day. They are so good.  Freaking studying.

February 12 of 12

10:56 pm – kitchen. This is my pile of studying crap and textbooks I don’t actually read much.  That’s an issue and I need to work on it the next half of the term.

This is the best I’ve felt in weeks.

This morning, I woke up and grabbed my inhaler has a completely different meaning.  I woke up, realized how fantastic I was feeling, and reached up to grab my Ventolin to pre-medicate for my first workout in over two weeks, instead of reaching for my inhaler to take the edge off gunky morning lungs.  I kept it short and light, covering 5.66 km in 25 minutes–the last thing I want to do is start going too hard too fast and end up back where I was two weeks ago and get sidelined again (I’m doing a vlog series right now called Working up to Working Out, chronicling my journey back to kicking ass, so feel free to check that out).  And I feel even better afterwards.

Following that I checked the MyBlackboard thing to see if our research papers for Issues in Sport had been graded yet (surprise surprise, nope. They were due November 18th. This would not bug me so much if I had grades for more than one of four reflections for the class also), and the icon under Promotion and Adherence caught my eye.  Course wrap-up message and final exam grades.  Bring on the seconds worth of anticipation when you can’t get the page to load fast enough, right?

The final exam was yesterday and our (unofficial) exam marks are posted (this has me wondering if Jay slept at all or just motored through them), and scored 84% . . . and if all stays as is, will have officially earned my first A- in university!  Needless to say, I am stoked, and that combined with how I left my Physical Activity and Aging exam feeling so positive on Wednesday night . . . well, it’s awesome.

And with that, and being a ball of energy, I am off to work — today is “Santa Day”, so it will be full of pizza and presents and staying at work until 8:30!

But also full of feeling positive, so hooray!