and what do i know? / what do i know of holy?

–what do i know of holy?, addison road

Holy. In both the spiritual and exclamatory forms of the word.

I have never been a fan of Evanescence. I had a couple friends in high school who were big into Evanescence, and I just didn’t dig them. Which is fine, but sometimes I just want so hard to like stuff related to music.  And then one Sunday we sang Bring Me to Life in church. And I was a little more open. I like when songs that were popular music can also align into a worship experience because they are not scary and preachy.  And then Bring Me to Life got on my iPod, and I danced to it. Not only is dance one of my favourite workouts, but I love that it can be such a spiritual experience, realigning my body, my heart and my spirit by letting my mind free.

And then I wanted more.

So this? This is so close to being so much of my story in a song that I didn’t write, much like Much Like Falling and Red Sam by Flyleaf.

i tried to kill my pain / but only brought more / so much more / i lay dying / and i’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal

i’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming / am i too lost to be saved? / am i too lost?

my God, my tourniquet / return to me salvation / my God, my tourniquet / return to me salvation

do You remember me? / lost for so long. / will You be on the other side, or will You forget me?

i long to die

my wounds cry for the grave / my soul cries for deliverance / will i be denied?

Christ, tourniquet, my suicide

–tourniquet, evanescence


It causes me to ask why. Why would my God keep going after me after I screwed so much up?  
So amazing.

Jesus said to all of them, “If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing to give up their lives daily to follow me. Those who want to save their lives will give up true life. But those who give up their lives for Me will have true life.

Luke 9:23-24 [NCV]

I was not too lost. We are never too lost.

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